Syrian refugees have been a big item in the news this week. There must be, like, a war or something going on over there. Anyway, our Law Professor in Chief decided to grant 10,000 of them refuge in the United States. Then France got attacked and a bunch of GOP governors decided to protest the refugees.
Thankfully, I have a solution to this quandary - it starts with "juris" and ends in a drunken hot tub among many beautiful people!
In short (actually, in entirety), we give them all master promissory notes, but only if they enroll an ABA-accredited law school. Immediately, we have assisted in reducing low law school enrollments. But the positive effects don't stop there! By enrolling them a law school with the backing of American funds, you would breed a generation of lawyers who would no doubt have an affinity for law and justice and the American way.
Terrorism? For the 1 in 10,000 who might possibly want to blow up a synagogue, any such desires will be radically snuffed by learning the almighty rule off law. Whatever glory comes of being a shoe bomber is sure to wane after reading International Shoe.
And let's not forget the awesome benefits enjoyed the American public when 10,000 new lawyers emerge in three years' time. As a result of welcoming more Syrian folk, the law schools - and the profession - would be enriched by greater diversity.
After graduating from law school, these fine new citizen superheroes would either enrich the American public by bringing buckets o' justice to the landscape OR they could be conduits for American democracy to enrich the Middle East. If Jimmy Carter and the Bush family couldn't democratically "fix" that part of the world, I have no doubt that Thomas Cooley and Whittier are up to the task.
So let 'em in and give 'em a hornbook. For a modest investment from the treasury (and one that will pay back richly when these people are bringing in more bacon than a Wendy's), we can repopulate America's law schools to stop the inevitable lawyer shortage, give these folks a marketable, life-affirming skill-set, and quell any concerns of nervous conservatives by educating these folks in the majesty of the common law.
If that's not a humane proposal in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I don't know what is. In fact, now that I think about it, if there's one more thing that we should've done for the Native Americans while we were systematically eradicating their presence on this continent, it's that we should've done more to teach them our way of law. After all, a Cooley law degree is certainly worth more than smallpox.
If you enjoy outside-the-box solutions like this, remember, I'm not just a shameless shill for law schools. I'm also a law school graduate.
Happy Thanksgiving. I'll probably be working in the afternoon.