Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015: The Year in Review

January 1, 2015:  Young Odysseus, can you hear the voice of destiny singing?  Unbind your mind, and let it follow your heart on the journey!  Law school remains an incredible experience, its teachings both invaluable to the person upon whom the gods bestow it as well as to the Rule of Law and the preservation of virtuous post-liberal western society.  Despite being drenched with the digital, barbaric firehose of factless internet defamation, law school administrators and professors continue to not only run estimable institutions, modern colleges worthy to succeed the Platonic Academy, they do so at great personal and financial sacrifice.  The students, young Apollos and Athenas, meanwhile, benefit tremendously, gaining an educational toolbox that, while not a vulgar trade school in any way, shape, or form, allows them to construct million dollar careers in addition to the mental fine-tuning enabled by mastery of jurisprudential thought processes that will have them slicing Gordian Knots in three years flat.  They may not solely, or even, practice law, for the titanic versatility of the mighty juris doctor allows law school graduates to literally perform any occupation, from philosopher to Senator to philanthropist.  That certain dystopian state actors would derive some newfangled testing technology to tell us who gets to don the garb of Icarus and soar to the sun is disgusting and an affront to our most sacred virtues.  Finally, while law school certainly is expensive due to the high demands of technology as driven by elite students, the costs of legal education, often reduced, are worth it in light of government programs that seem fairly adamantine despite their constant amendment, as well as, of course, the Midas touch upon one's future income stream.  Like Tantalus, your hunger and thirst will be quenched; like Prometheus, you will receive first-rate medical care; and like Sisyphus, you will achieve immense personal satisfaction in each day helping to move the boulder of social justice further up the mountian-side of iniquity.

January 1, 2016:  Young Odysseus, can you hear the voice of destiny singing?  Unbind your mind, and let it follow your heart on the journey!  Law school remains an incredible experience, its teachings both invaluable to the person upon whom the gods bestow it as well as to the Rule of Law and the preservation of virtuous post-liberal western society.  Despite being drenched with the digital, barbaric firehose of factless internet defamation, law school administrators and professors continue to not only run estimable institutions, modern colleges worthy to succeed the Platonic Academy, they do so at great personal and financial sacrifice.  The students, young Apollos and Athenas, meanwhile, benefit tremendously, gaining an educational toolbox that, while not a vulgar trade school in any way, shape, or form, allows them to construct million dollar careers in addition to the mental fine-tuning enabled by mastery of jurisprudential thought processes that will have them slicing Gordian Knots in three years flat.  They may not solely, or even, practice law, for the titanic versatility of the mighty juris doctor allows law school graduates to literally perform any occupation, from philosopher to Senator to philanthropist.  That certain dystopian state actors would derive some newfangled testing technology to tell us who gets to don the garb of Icarus and soar to the sun is disgusting and an affront to our most sacred virtues.  Finally, while law school certainly is still expensive due to the high demands of technology as driven by elite students, the costs of legal education, often reduced, are worth it in light of government programs that seem fairly adamantine despite their constant amendment, as well as, of course, the Midas touch upon one's future income stream.  Like Tantalus, your hunger and thirst will be quenched; like Prometheus, you will receive first-rate medical care; and like Sisyphus, you will achieve immense personal satisfaction in each day helping to move the boulder of social justice further up the mountian-side of iniquity.

Basically, the audience, it seems, is into Greek.  Any questions?

Friday, December 25, 2015

Dean Satan and the Christmas Tale of Jimmy the Slug

Once there was a slug.  His name was Jimmy.  He found himself in Dean Satan's garden chewing on some spinach leafs.  Dean Satan loved nutrition and was quite fond of Vitamin A; his nutritional values were graded on a curve, after all.

Jimmy the Slug figured he would live a nice, easy life eating leaves and the occasional carrot.  He had everything he wanted in the garden and in the slug colony.  Food, women, sunshine.  It was peaceful, tranquil, warm.

But as he ate spinach and the sun shone down in his partly cloudy utopia, there suddenly came the reddish orb of Dean Satan's glowing head.  Jimmy the Slug had been warned of Dean Satan by the other slugs- though Dean Satan gave them everything they had, he had a reputation for smiting the poor insects when the mood hit.  Some vermin simply have no gratitude for their betters.

But on this day, Dean Satan showed total compassion.  He picked little Jimmy up from the spinach leaf and held him in his hand.

"Jimmy the Slug," he said.  "How are you doing today?"
Jimmy was so nervous.  Does one tell a dark lord that he is doing well?  That he is enjoying his simple existence, wishing not to beg for Job-like treatment? (if there's one thing most slugs do not want, it is a job.)  "Good, Dean Satan.  You?"
"Jimmy, I'm doing okay, I suppose.  But there's a hole in my heart."

He cradled Jimmy in the palm of his red head and paced about the garden.  Jimmy was sure this was it for him; the Dean had lured bright young Jimmy, Succubus-like, into his smooth arms, only to take what he wished from Jimmy and then discard the squished remains back to the mean and barren dirt near the spinach patch.

"Jimmy, the folks who monitor law school compliance are starting to get upset about bar passage rates and declining LSAT scores.  I'm genuinely concerned that it's leaving a gaping hole in the ability of justice in the United States for lack of diversity."
"What do you mean, sir?"
"Jimmy, when is the last time you saw a slug attorney?"
"I don't know that I've ever seen one."
"Don't you think it's important to have diversity in the attorney ranks?  What if someone accused you of a crime?  Wouldn't you feel more comfortable going to a slug?  Wouldn't you feel better seeing slugs well-represented in the professional ranks?"
"But slugs don't have the intellect of humans.  I'm sure if a slug could meet the minimum requirements for entry to the profession, it would be one thing.  But slugs are generally unqualified, I would think."
"God damn it, Jimmy!"

The dean was irate.  How could he make this slug understand the importance of advancing bottom-feeding diversity claims that benefit a small group of people at the expense of almost everyone else?

"Look, we've got a justice problem in the United States, agreed?"
"I don't know.  That's a complicated..."
"Damn it, we do!"  The dean spoke more quickly and his skin turned redder; Jimmy shook nervously, as just a simple feverish squeeze of the dean's mighty hand would end his life immediately.
"Opening the doors of law schools to people with 140 LSATs who are disproportionately minorities is a net positive in the grand justice equation because it advances racial gobbledygook goals!"
"I can agree the profession should better reflect social reality, but the solution is not..."
"Jimmy, you're making this way too complicated!"
"What are you getting at, dean?"

The dean sat down on a nearby bench.  "Jimmy, you probably can't tell because I live in a Mediterranean-style sex pad, but it's Christmas time."
"Christmas?  What's that?"
"Jimmy, that's our winter solstice celebration, a time when we come together and celebrate humanity, and continue our efforts to exploit the less fortunate, but while singing them shit and pushing trinkets in their carts.  It's customary among the humans to give gifts to each other."
"Like a birthday celebration?"
"No," the dean snapped, "there's no birthday celebration at Christmas!"

They sat in silence for a few moments, each pondering the meaning of Christmas.  Then Jimmy the slug cautiously broke the silence.  "Golly, Dean Satan, now you have me feeling guilty."
"But why is that, Jimmy the Slug?"
"Well, you give me and the other slugs so much throughout the year in the vegetable garden.  I mean - sure - you spray insecticide every now and then like a genocidal maniac, but for most of us it's a good life.  Ad yet I have nothing to give you in return!"

The dean smiled devilishly.  He knew he had picked up a smart slug.  "Oh, but you do, Jimmy!"
----------------
The LSAT folks had been befuddled by the disability accommodation request, but it was nothing compared to the skepticism of the admissions folks.

"Satan, baby, he's not only got a 132 LSAT, he's a mollusk, for Pete's sake."
"Why are you being so damned species-ist?"

Through the force of his sheer will, Dean Satan got Jimmy the Slug admitted to his law school.  After all, who was going to stop him?  That archangel Aba, tasked with monitoring his every malfeasance, basically went into hibernation.  And getting the government to back a loan to "James Slug" was remarkably easy.

His faculty was confused trying to educate a slug, but kept at it, and every wrote articles about the value of diversity in legal education.  Some prostitutes have little quality control, you know.

Three years later, Jimmy the Slug slithered across the stage, proudly accepting his diploma from a giddy Dean Satan.  The only hurdle on Jimmy's open road to riches was the Krampus-y oligarchs running the bar exam.

"I'm sorry, Dean Satan, but Jimmy the Slug scored a 2 on the bar exam."
"You test is racist!" Dean Satan roared.

But then he calmed down.  Yelling was no way to solve problems.  He would write letters, and sue if he must!  All the other law deans with their low-scoring slugs joined him in a powerful chorus, and their song caused the bar examiners' icy hearts to swell three times that day!

After their massive coronaries, there were no bar exams left.  No barriers of entry to Jimmy the Slug's greatness.  And so Jimmy the Slug went on to run a successful workman's compensation practice.

One day, many years later, Jimmy the Slug ran into Dean Satan.  "Dean," he said, "I'm still not sure what I gave you for Christmas that year."
"Jimmy," the dean said, "you gave me the greatest gift of all."

The dean took another sip of wine.  "Now tell me, how fast do slugs reproduce?"

Merry Christmas, most of you.  Remember this holiday season that you can help the less fortunate...by sending them a law school application.  And that includes anyone, no matter how stupid or totally non-human.  If Jimmy the Slug can do it, you can, too!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

The Raiding Party Returns

The ABA - working for you, average lawyer! - released the 2015 super-truthful data of law schools recently.  Notice the accuracy disclaimer on the ABA's site and consider that this is the accreditation authority who finds the need to cover its ass.  Then laugh, for life is absurd and meaningless, writes Camus.

Like gold mining, there's tons of nuggets in the data, but the Gen Y populace is too darned lazy to find them.  So I'll find one for you.  It's the return of the raiding party.  For those who don't recall, the raiding party is the idea that certain (impliedly unscrupulous) law schools prey on certain other law schools for transfer students.  This, of course, is an academic example of penis envy.  Let's check out some of last year's best poachers to see how they fared!

In this year's edition, George Washington took 44 students from American.  American basically stood pat because, well, American has standards.

But they were bested!  Arizona State took 47 students from Arizona Summit.  For those of you who don't believe Arizona Summit can produce quality lawyers, Arizona State seems to disagree with you, and Arizona State has high standards.  Ask Ned Flanders.

Schools like Michigan State and Florida State seem to be on a relative diet this year.

But the real standout might be Georgetown.  They didn't reap harvest from any single field - they took 21 students from American and GWU, but beyond that it's single digits - but the overall volume and breadth is astounding.

Consider that Georgetown reported losing only 14 students to transfer attrition.  At least four of these went to Yale, Harvard, or Columbia based on those schools' 509s, so you know that they're not exactly transferring because they can't cut it.

Consider that Georgetown only reports losing 21 persons from their 1L class total.

Consider that Georgetown's 25th percentile LSAT is only a 161 for incoming 1L students, which would exclude transfers who get added to the class later.

Now consider that Georgetown reports bringing in over one hundred (100) transfer students, including students from Arizona Summit, Barry, Capital, Charlotte (2), Charleston (2), Golden Gate, John Marshall (6!), NYLS, South Texas, St. Thomas (Fl.), Suffolk (2), Cooley, Touro, and Widener.  That's 22 students right there, ignoring the mass of imports that come from middlebrow schools like George Mason or Brooklyn. 

We must give Georgetown credit here.  Not only do the administrators there recognize that it's the individual who matters and not the name of the school, they have found a way to somehow keep the vaunted T-14 ranking while completely manipulating the game to get what is basically an entire third-tier law school in the bottom third of the class.

You want impressive?  That's impressive.  For Appalachian to scam a few buck-toothed idiots into dreaming about driving Maseratis, well, that's art.  But pumping through 160s, taking transfers from the shittiest of holes, and still proclaim that you're an elite institution with a straight face?

That, my readers, is a masterpiece.

Scam, er, shall I say HOYA on.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Total Control v. No Control: A Case Study Contrasting Law Students and Law Schools

Here is an article about law school lawsuits and transparency.  Without being explicit about it, it provides a good compare-and-contrast about the guilt and innocence of various parties getting screwed currently.

First, consider law schools, who have been the unfortunate victims of a sudden global economic meltdown seven years ago that has caused a disruption in the willingness of students to sign up for models and bottles.

Law schools are trying their hardest to give transparent data, but simply have no control over certain things.  Consider:
Barry Currier, managing director of accreditation and legal education at the ABA, said the organization isn't done improving the employment data it releases, but warned that more information would not necessarily help prospective students.
...
[S]ome of the criticism of schools fails to account for changes in the job market for law school graduates.

"We're letting our concerns about employment and the job market, over which law schools have no control, drive too much of this conversation," he said. (emphasis added)
Sure, some snarky practicing lawyer on a blog somewhere might argue that law schools are essential in controlling the supply of new lawyers, a key variable in the employability of young lawyers, but this is the managing director of accreditation at the ABA.  He's not going to mislead you; if he says law schools have no control over the situation, they have no control over the situation.  Whether they put out 10 graduates or 10 million, they simply cannot create jobs.  Jesus, what are you, stupid?

That's an example of no control.

Now, consider the law student who ignores piles of information:
Nikki Nguyen left a $50,000-a-year job at Boeing Co. in 2006 to pursue a law degree at Thomas Jefferson School of Law...

Instead, she struggled for more than a year to find a job after she graduated and watched her student loan debt of over $180,000 balloon.

Nguyen, 34, is among 12 former Thomas Jefferson students who are suing the university in a California court, accusing it of inflating its graduates' employment figures and salaries to attract students.

"They weren't transparent," said Nguyen, whose case is scheduled to go to trial in March. "People who have a dream of law school should go into it with their eyes wide open."
Ma'am, you were a sophisticated consumer, as shown by your gainful employment at an above-median salary.  Thomas Jefferson didn't hide numbers on your loan documents and made at least an effort to comply with existing guidelines.  If you didn't have sufficient data to decide to enroll in Thomas Jefferson and claim your ticket on the million dollar express, you should have spent hours upon hours researching TJLS graduates, talking to successful local lawyers, and hacking into TJLS computer systems to verify that they weren't bullshitting you when they said 95% employed or whatever it was they claimed.

Unlike law schools, who have no control over the future and had no information that would have suggested a possible change in fortunes post-2005, law students have all the data out there to make sound financial decisions as sophisticated consumers and have for some time.

Total control.

If history is a lie that all agree upon, then law schools will never be history, because they are the truth.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Hey, Morons, Stop Using Our Test for its Implied Intended Purpose

Did you know LSAC had a President?  It, like all important organizations, does.  He sends out important press releases when something super-important happens:
The LSAT is a valid measure of certain cognitive skills that are important for success in law school.  However, proper use of the test does not include using score ranges to label law schools and their students as to their potential for successful bar passage.
Sure:
  1.   law school success is correlated to cognitive skills (sentence one);
  2.   the LSAT is a valid measure of said cognitive skills (sentence one);
  3.   law school success correlates to bar passage success (common sense premise);
  4.   therefore, the LSAT correlates to future bar passage success on some level (logical conclusion drawn from 1-3).
But the expert logicians at LSAC are here to knock your reason aside with the Club of Quasitruth:
  • False Claim No. 1: LSAT scores can be used to assign bar passage risk.
  • False Claim No. 2: LSAT scores can be used to delineate risk categories.
  • False Claim No. 3: A 25-year-old study can be used to assess current bar passage risk. 
Notice how these three observations totally smash the conclusion drawn in no. 4 above and fully support the title claim that "LSAT Scores Should Not Be Used to Label Law Schools and Their Students."

For example, it would improper to say something like "Appalachian School of Law is a crumbling pile of dickcheese for admitting half a class with 144 LSATs or less because the odds of those saps passing the bar and having a remunerative legal career seem unacceptably low for the level of debt incurred and the ignominy of living in Taintville."  That sort of labelling based on LSAT scores, even if based on common sense conclusions based on prior observational data and common sense theory, is improper.  LSAC said so.

Likewise, it would be improper to say "Cooley's low bar passage rate might have something to do with the fact that its 25th percentile LSAT has declined from shitty sandwich to shitty shit."  LSAC cautions sternly against using LSAT scores to generically assign bar passage risk.

Finally, it's improper to say something like "Golden Gate's median LSAT has declined from 154 to 149.  Its risk classification has therefore moved from 'fucking don't it' to 'really fucking don't do it.'"  That's right out, you categorical ass.

Can you feel the burn, Kyle McEntee? 

Is your proctologist charging double to pull the boot from your analytical cavity?

Are you going to have to see the school counselor during nap time?

Are your credentials quaking in the supercilious shadow of Daniel O. Bernstine's?

Were you aware that your use of data and rational conclusions is incredibly racist?

Is the profit in publishing scandalous nonsense really worth being told that you're utterly wrong without any citation or serious consideration of your central premise? 

Does the champagne hot tub wash away the shame? 

Doesn't it bother your conscience that law schools categorize your after-school project as an obstructionist nuisance on their road to guiltless profit?