Monday, March 7, 2016

Founding Father Thomas Jefferson Enduring Hokey Show Trial

This morning, sophisticated consumer Anna Alaburda took her legal rampage against Thomas Jefferson - he of founding document drafting, he of our third president, he of the founder of the University of Virginia - by vicariously going after a law school in San Diego.  Alaburda's iconoclastic nonsense is an affront to American virtues, but in an age where millenials are voting for Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders in Mussolinian droves, a constitutional bonfire should surprise no one.

Of course, the preceding paragraph is total nonsense, but why tell the truth?  Lord knows the media isn't bothering.  See, for example, CBS News' write-up:
Anna Alaburda, who, 10 years after she graduated in the top tier of her class, still can't find a job as a lawyer.

The blame for that failure isn't hers, she maintains -- rather, the fault lies with her alma mater.
I mean, that's not true, but why bother with such technicalities as "reality"?  You think we live in a world of truth or something?  No way, 'ho say.  It's all about what makes people feel good when they pompously talk out their asses.  Law graduates were defrauded with misrepresentations?  Poppycock, education isn't the sort of thing can can lead to fraud, even when they expressly lie to induce direct financial benefit, my asshole says.

Speaking of talking out one's ass, check out this entirely unsourced statement slid in as easy as a glistening hot dog on a mustard-blasted bun:
Despite the cost, a law degree can more than make up for its cost, increasing earnings $30,000 to $60,000 annually over a bachelor's degree alone. 
Holy shit, does America kick ass or what?  You can just insert irrelevant, random, dubious facts in a national article.  Shit, let me try and make up shit.  Did you know that watching GI Joe cartoons can improve your blood pressure if you shout "cheese blintz!" every time Cobra Commander shows up?  Were you aware that owning a rotisserie oven and using it once a week reduces property taxes by 13% in non-Korean neighborhoods?  Did you know taking just one (1) aspirin a day can reduce your water bill by $3.00 a month and totally prevent gestational diabetes in full-term pregnancies?

Sure, these facts are all made up, but if you repeated them often enough, they would become as unassailable of truths as the estimable virtue of post-graduate education and the good faith of non-profit academics.

Notice how the author, straying even further from the subject matter at issue, takes Simkovic & McIntire's research on timing law school as fact?  Notice how they drop the BLS "median" of $115k with "above average" growth?  Notice how the negative facts after that, the ones actually relevant to the article, are presented as some sort of "view" from Paul Campos?

Wait, what we were talking about again?  Oh, right - Anna Alaburda's show trial against James Madison or something.
Should she prevail in her suit, law schools may finally have to provide more transparency into employment statistics...
Kids, this is game over.  This trial was won before the complaint was filed, before TJLS sent her an enrollment letter, and in fact before she was born.  The sterling reputation of all our Founding Fathers whose names wind up on things will remain intact and it's going to be "case dismissed" for Ms. Alaburda and her million dollar degree.

There is no fraud where American law schools are concerned, even when they expressly defraud their students.  Implicit immunity.  You won't find it in any American case, but the absence of existence in law does not imply an absence of truth.

You go to law school, you know you will profit.  If you don't, you knew better.  It's not the law schools' fault you chose to rely on information provided by the law schools for you to rely upon.

Your bad.


  1. Seeing that Thomas Jefferson NEVER set foot in California, it's pathetic that the pigs named the school after him. Do they offer a Sally Hemmings Professorship of Women's Studies?

    Also, while he did attend the College of William & Mary, he did not attend law school. He read for the law, while working as a law clerk.

    1. Fortunately, law school wasn't a thing back in his day. Producing lawyers actually required some investment of resources by those responsible for their law training.