Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Mitch Hamline: Clever Pickup Artist

Today, I ran across this article, where former Hamline dean George Latimer celebrates the merger of Mitchell and Hamline with relevant, touching lines such as this:
...[The dean] has stellar credentials: bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Columbia, and a J.D. magna cum laude from Harvard (a law school I’ve always respected for being the only one to reject my application, many years ago).
Ignoring the total non-contradiction of praising a school like Mitchell Hamline in the same piece one gags on the gilded totem pole of prestige, I greatly appreciate the author disclosing his exact place in the admissions pecking order several decades ago.  It's one thing to be a tone-deaf douchebag pontificating to generational lessers about how "both Hamline and Mitchell have strong traditions of training students for a variety of careers." But when you can deftly add a human touch...well, that's the craft of the white collar mandarin marketing editorial at its pinnacle.

And Latimer certainly knows how to finish a piece as well:
He’s got the right experience and the perfect approach for the leader of a law school in today’s world, where not every law student is dreaming of joining the partner track at a big firm. As Mark is fond of saying, “There are two reasons to go to law school. Either because you want to be a lawyer or because you don’t want to be a lawyer. If you fit into one of those categories, you should come.”
The underlined isn't just a marketing slogan.

It's a philosophy.

Let's consider it as an ethos, and a well-trod pickup line, for our latest personified cavalier, a young Lothario named, well, Mitch Hamline....

Mitch Hamline walks into a meat market bar.

MITCH:  Yo, barkeep, get me a beer.
BARTENDER: Sure thing, Mitch.  What kind?
MITCH:  Coors Light.
BARTENDER:  Coors Light?  Are you shittin' me, Mitch?  No one drinks that shit anymore.
MITCH:  Oh, I don't want to drink it.
BARTENDER:  You what?
MITCH:  No, see...there's two reasons to order a Coors Light.  Either because you want to regret your choice in alcohol or because you don't want to regret your choice in alcohol.
BARTENDER:  Well, herpa derpa, you sure are smart, Mitch!  No wonder you're a law professor thingamabob!
MITCH:  Hey, mama, want to dance?
HOT CHICK:  I don't know.  I've heard some pretty shifty things about you, Mitch Hamline.  You only leave like 50% of your customers satisfied and you stick gals like me with $200k in nondischargable herpes, I mean debt.
MITCH: Fuck this.  Let me tell you what.  There's two reasons to go home with me.  Either because you want to fuck me or because you don't want to fuck me.
HOT CHICK:  Why would I go home with you if I didn't like you?
MITCH:  I'll say it again.  Listen.  It's really fucking clever.  There's two reasons to go home with me.  Either because you want to fuck me or because you don't want to fuck me.
HOT CHICK: I'm incredibly confused
MITCH:  Don't you get it?  You have a reason to go home with me either way!  And then I fuck you Mitch Hamline style!
HOT CHICK:  Uh, yeah, I'm going to go to business school or something...
MITCH:  Hey, girl, come here often?
MITCH:  So there's two reasons to be here tonight.  Either because you want to hook up with Mitch Hamline or you don't want to hook up with Mitch Hamline.
MITCH:  He's a first-tier lover who can make you rich and versatile with the Mitch Hamline Premium Effect.
MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE CHICK: I'm not fully grasping...
MITCH:  Look, there's two reasons to keep talking to Mitch Hamline with an LSAT score, I mean drink, in your hand.  Either you want to be date raped, or you don't want to be date raped.
MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE CHICK:  I don't get it.  What you're saying applies to literally everybody, including people who you have no interest in, and people who have no business going home with you for your legal premium effect, and people who literally cannot go home with you.  Also, technically it applies to the people you've already fucked over and swindled.
MITCH:  Fuck this, I'm finding a woman who's got a brain.
MITCH:  Hey, kid, what's your sign?
LUMP-COVERED GOAT:  Bah, I got a 136 on the LSAT.
MITCH:  Holy shit, I'm buyin' you a double!  There's two reasons why you should keep drinkin' the Kool Aid with ol' Mitch and saddle up for a juris-im-prudent adventure:  either you want to be a lawyer or you don't want to be a lawyer.
LUMP-COVERED GOAT:  BAHAHAHA!  That's funny, mister!  I...Uh....I want to be a lawyer!
MITCH:  Mitch Hamline scores again.


  1. Very clever post. The law profs and law deans are always so witty and self-deprecating, aren't they? Of course, when teaching three courses and writing one law review article per year, they have plenty of time to develop that skill set.

  2. It's just a faux-cutesy variation on "Law school is for everyone", the mantra of that fucking scam-dean Frank Wu.