Sunday, July 12, 2015

Staying Within One's Tiers

From Above the Law comes the unfortunate story of Barry Law's former CFO John LaTorre.  Unfortunate, of course, because he apparently got caught.
LaTorre stands accused of some serious misuse of his Barry Law corporate credit card to the tune of about $50,000. According to court records, LaTorre allegedly used the card to wine and dine his friends, pay his personal utility bills, and close his bar tabs at Hooters.
You might think that a former law school executive could do better than Hooters.  He probably could, but, I have a theory. 

To start with, we need to understand that expressions of male heteronormative sexuality fall neatly into tiers that happen to correspond to law schools.

To wit:

Tier 1: Having sexual intercourse with a well-adjusted, enviably attractive woman.  Every bro' will be jealous of you unless they're on the plateau, too.  This is basically HYS.

Tier 2: Having sexual intercourse with a well-adjusted, clean, respectable woman. This is like Cornell or Georgetown.

Tier 3: Banging the wife or girlfriend.  Reliable, safe, cheap, and probably nothing spectacular.  These are the remaining name-brand public schools like Iowa or Washington or Georgia.

Tier 4: High-class hooker.  Sort-of boast-worthy, but costly.  Think Boston U., USC, Vanderbilt, and the like.

Tier 5: Taking home any remaining sane, clean woman.  Probably little risk, but you're not going to brag about it, and no one's going to be impressed.  These are your remaining public schools.  Northern Kentucky, Maine, etc.

Tier 6:  Sticking it in first-choice crazy.  You may brag about it, it may be great at the time, but then suddenly you're deeply in debt and your car is being fire sold as-is in a Taco Bell parking lot.  Wake Forest, Pepperdine, Washington & Lee, and their friends.

Tier 7:  Remaining group of clean & crazy.  Like Tier 6, but with a bigger risk of being kicked in the balls.  Loyola, Syracuse, Case Western, etc.

Tier 8:  Taking home a totally sane, notorious slut with a known STD history.  No one's going to respect it, and there's a fair chance you'll be permanently scarred.  Creighton, Duquesne, Chapman, etc.

Tier 9:  Porn girls, strippers, Hooters/Twin Peaks/Tilted Kilt waitresses, that particular type of hairdresser, etc.  Have at it, boys, but you're going to be the only one who thinks it's really cool.  Here we have schools like Albany, Barry, Hofstra, NYLS, and the like.

Tier 10:  Bare-back roulette with a drugged-up bargain-bin hooker.  Florida Coastal, Cooley, etc.

My theory is that law school administrators incorporate this typology in their spending habits, so paying tips to Hooters waitresses was just LaTorre's expression of Tier 9 experience.

Now, from the above you should not conclude that the LSTC is recommending against going to a school like, say, Charleston Law School, which used to be a Tier 9 who got fired, bought millions in crack, and is now in Tier 10.  A novice reader may say I'm comparing enrollment in Charleston to buying the nastiest Colfax Point skank and sucking the hepatitis out of her track marks.

But in reality, remember that even Tier 10 is getting laid.  Because law school, regardless of where you go, is like getting laid.  It's much better than getting an MBA from Penn, which is like jackin' it to high-production porn, or getting an MBA from Middle Tennessee State, which is like jackin' it to Facebook pictures of female acquaintances who politely turned you down in college.

Surely, even the most skeptical readers would agree that going to Washington & Lee is better than jackin' it, right?   Right?!?


  1. So, it's better to go to Thomas Jefferson and be $200,000 in non-dischargeable debt because you get to bang a couple of ADHD/ODD borderline lesbians/alcoholics who snore at night?

  2. Meanwhile, the students at these trash pits are bent over a coffee - while a NYC area phone book is crammed up their ass. Lube at extra cost.

  3. His judge is a woman who went to Smith undergraduate. He's so toast. At least he won't need a credit card where he's going. He can pay his cellmate in cigarettes.