Sunday, October 9, 2016

Salesman Optimistic for Future of Product While Wanting Rivals to Die

From the ABA Journal:
Ninety-two percent of those responding to the survey said they are feeling more optimistic about the state of education than they did a year ago...
Ninety-two percent - just like how ninety-two percent of their recent graduates acquire high-paying jobs within months of graduation!  But:
Despite their optimism, 65 percent agreed it would be a good idea if at least a few law schools closed.
At first blush, this made me angry.  Law schools close?  Aren't they reading the newsletter?

When trying to spread the immaculate gospel in exchange for a small tithe of lifetime income streams to repay a third party after the church has spent the spoils on new organs and communion Cabernet, it's not a great idea to close churches.  And you're sure as shit not going to do it with ninety-two percent optimism and million-dollar JDs.

But then I remembered that law school admissions personnel thrive on being selfish Machiavellians with an inflated sense of their own institution's importance in the legal industry.  Naturally, they would want the competition to close a few other schools to increase their own profit margins.  These things are like Subways.  They're all necessary to fulfill the demand for $5 foot-long sandwiches that taste like something a school cafeteria made to remind the children of life's suckage, but surely the owners would love to close other branches down to broaden their own sphere of influence.

Totally makes sense.  But despite these admissions people being greedy capitalists, I'd like to remind everyone that they have the best interests of prospective students at heart.  Were they not so optimistic about the law's future, surely they would reduce spots or voluntarily vote to close their own institutions.

Also: while the LSTC's official policy is against sexual harassment and assault of all kinds, please feel free to grab law school by the pussy, 0Ls.  You're that special that she'll let you grip a hold and... well, where it goes from there is your own personal educational voyage.  Just make sure you sign the IOU on the night stand.  92% optimism for enterprising students who latch on to the genitals.  It's a non-scientific poll of a purely subjective measure, but we're not curing cancer here; we're making your life great again.


  1. The typical TTT law degree smells worse than the inside of a Subway restaurant - with all the aroma of pre-cut meats and cheeses mixed together. Bon apetit, lemmings!

  2. Who gives a good goddamn about the optimism of admi$$ions officers? They're unlikely to tell a tale of woe that might discourage people from falling for the scam. Even if every toilet from the Univershitty of Texas on down were being boarded up tomorrow, the scamsters would still exude optimism.

    Of course they want some law schools to close—any law school but their own. That will drive down competition and probably enable them to raise their already high prices. Think of Henry V's speech at Agincourt on Saint Crispin's Day.

    Grab law school by the pussy, or by the _UNT?

  3. "please feel free to grab law school by the pussy."

    Law school does not have a pussy. It has a dick and will fuck the law students just like a herd of T-Rex partners pulling a dino-train on some poor human paralegal's human ass.

  4. Captain Hruska Carswell, Continuance KingOctober 11, 2016 at 6:42 PM

    Can't really blame them. They don't want to end up like my buddies and I. Desperate for legal work, clients, and fees. I am exhausted from chasing around 2 bill traffics and then cage fighting with other desperate solo attorneys and small firms for that same work. These folks KNOW what I am experiencing and are willing to say anything to avoid it. Wouldn't you?