Wednesday, October 5, 2016

LSTC Pseudo-Live Blogging the VP Debate

The first edition was so popular, the LSTC is back with commentary on the VP Debate!

9:03 pm EST:  Debate is ON!

9:49 pm EST:  Life is empty and meaningless.  I am watching two milquetoast villains from poorly written 1980s comedies debate to find out which one might better fit in America's least-important important job behind an immediately unpopular President.  There's Mike Pence, the cold businessman secretly plotting to bulldoze Camp Racist Indian Name because he wants to build a squirrel slaughterhouse that produces cheaper, fraudulent hot dogs.  There's Tim Kaine, the hyper, pocket-protector guy who sits next to our hero on a sputtering Greyhound bus carrying him to his love just moments she marries Total Douche and Kaine just... keeps... talking...  There is no God.  There is only the bleak vacuum of dead space.  We are hurtling on a small, insignificant rock moving rapidly, accelerating, even, towards the still death of all life upon it.  This moderator is like a schoolteacher who realized five minutes after class started that she wasted years of her life studying for this particular profession and there are only two students in the room; futility is setting in and the ideals of youth are dying.  Values, morality, patriotism.  These things are illusions, phantoms of the mentally ill who refuse to see the universe as devoid of real knowledge or truth, a grand game of planetary charades.  This is where our spiraling, winding roller coaster of a pathetic existence has dumped us with terrible nausea.  Tim Kaine's eyebrows were produced in the laboratory that makes evil Muppets, Mike Pence's facial expressions were made by a renegade military unit. This cannot possibly be a rational, meaningful existence.  We are the aborted punchline of a cosmic joke abandoned halfway through and told with no timing. I just don't care if Mike Pence succeeds at ruining the childhood memories of Kurt Russell and Rick Moranis.  Part of me hopes Michael J. Fox is stuck listening to Tim Kaine forever blather about 9/11 and Russia and Donald Trump's tax returns while Elizabeth Shue goes ahead and marries Judge fucking Reinhold.  Does that make me a sadist instead of a nihilist?  Who gives a shit?  It just - it just doesn't matter.  I wish someone would have partial birth abortioned this debate, like five minutes beforehand the producer has an areligious epiphany and kills the power because the world has no intrinsic meaning and you might as well just get drunk on bumwine until the sweet solitude of dreamless sleep.  Instead, we get the height of spirited American pointlessness: two idiots chosen to be lukewarm sidekicks talking about policies they will have absolutely no control over unless someone dies or has to quit the most powerful job in the world.  They look quite dapper in their red and blue ties.  Millions of years ago, dinosaurs walked across what is now this country, and if they came up with anything this sociopolitically stupid, they deserved every flaming meteor that fell on their reptilian backs.  Millions of years hence, everything known now will hopefully turn to dust, perhaps maybe fossilized at best, but most certainly lost to contemporary memory, and likely for the better, because were this display to become some of lingering memorial to human existence on planet Earth, it would drive all intelligent life to instant suicide seconds after awakened consciousness, because fuck me this sucks.

9:51 pm EST:  Why not go to law school?  Law school can provide meaning to your otherwise dead and dreary life by opening the sacred rivers of justice and putting you in one bitchin' canoe!  Tim Kaine (Harvard) and Mike Pence (Indiana) once dipped their mighty oars in the sparkling water, and look where they are today!  Don't worry about the tuition being so high - that's only so we can give you massive savings savings savings!


  1. You wrote:

    "Millions of years ago, dinosaurs walked across what is now this country..." without mentioning that they also fucked, which is why in this very election year, it is no coincidence that we also have a proliferation of Dinosaur porn. I would like to particularly reference the Space Raptor Butt Invasion series by Dr. Chuck Tingle. It was nominated for a Hugo and it seems very appropriate that Kaine and Pence are their respective parties mini-me's the same year that Space Raptor Butt Invasion is nominated for a Hugo. The other two in the sequel are Space Raptor Butt Ascension and then finally Space Raptor Butt Redemption (because you always get redeemed in the end). When I was watching Kaine and Pence I kept think about Raptors fucking humans with cold, lizard-brain logic. And then I thought, that's also what's happening with law students. They are the humans trapped in a space station while horny raptors are about to breach their airlock so they can fuck them. I finished watching the VP/Space Raptor debate, cried a little bit, and then went to sleep.

  2. I had no idea this blog could generate gay (literally, I guess) sci-fi reading recommendations, but what do you know?

    Have you read Tingle's Helicopter Man Pounds Dinosaur Billionaire Ass, friend? I'm on the fence, but it's got five stars on Amazon and Amazon reviews have yet to lead me astray. Sort of like law school employment numbers.

    1. I'm 1:52 and no I haven't. While I have referred you to the Chuck Tingle series, I'm actually not a fan and I find some of Dr. Tingle's prose troubling, such as the following from Butt Invasion:

      "You've been a very bad astronaut so you're gonna take my Jurassic load up your asshole."

      Spot the gaffe? The Velocipraptor is actually a Cretaceous reptile, and evolved some 50 million years after the Jurassic Period. I can see some poor guy, getting all worked up and within hailing distance of an orgasm, then BAM. Sexual desire withers at the juncture of misinformation and bad science. ("Did he just write 'Jurassic?' Wait! The Raptor's not Jurassic. I can't get off to this! It's just wrong!)

      In any event, I find do find dinosaur porn to be the perfect metaphor for the law school scam. The Dinosaurs (law school cartel) are huge, powerful and always horny (money-hungry), and they treat the humans (hapless law students) contemptuously and as simply a way to satisfy their lizard lust (make sure their paychecks always clear).

      Me, I've decided to write some decent, scientifically accurate Dino-Porn with law school scam references, and soon I will no longer be known as Anonymous but as the John Grisham of Lizard Lit. The working title for the first novel is:

      ASS-DESTROYED: How I was Punished for the Cretaceous/Paleogene Mass Extinction Event by an Angry Tarbosaurus Who Loved Her Anal Beads

      And considering the soon-to-be classic, Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executer Boner, Dino-pornographer is obviously a JD Advantage Job.

    2. The raptor may have been Cretaceous, but the assrapetor was most certainly Your-ass-ic

      I think the LSTC may be adding a new feature soon.

    3. I trust you've now read Executive Boner. If not, in summary, the main character, Donny Sullivan, is a lawyer who has a hard time finding a law job and ends up applying for a secretarial position at the T-Rex law firm. The partner he works for, Tyson, offers him $10 million to sign a contract "to run a T-Rex gangbang train on Donny Sullivan's human ass."

      Now tell me that Dino-porn isn't a metaphor for the Law School Scam?

    4. And yes, I believe Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner should be right up there with 1L as recommended reading for prospective law students. In fact Executive Boner is much more representative of the current state of the legal market so should be highly recommended (if not required) by law school careers offices.

    5. No, I rely on Dybbuk for my law school fiction reading and reviews. It's been a day since I asked him to review this and he still hasn't done it, so I hope a comely young triceratops slaps him with a wet cudgel.

    6. Speaking of, TriceraTOP is a potential title of a future work. Henry only has a 140 LSAT and it took him three attempts to even get that score. TriceraTOP is in charge of admissions and scholarships at Private Mill School of Law (PMS Law). The rest of the story us an extremely painful reminder of the depths to which the law school scam can penetrate.

  3. Oh Christ, he's got a short story called "Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner"

    Dybbuk, can we get a literary review and maybe compare it to the work of Lisa McElroy et al? Dybbuk, I know you're reading this. Stop ignoring me.

  4. I skipped one, just one, LSTC post (I didn't watch the VP debate, so I figured that the jokes would fly over my head). And you use the comment thread of that very post to demand a Dybbuk review of this great work of paleontology. It is a zany mix-up worthy of a poorly-written 80s comedy, or the Electoral College.

    The dinosaurs did not have law schools and they went extinct, hardly a coincidence. (Well, actually dinosaurs may never have even existed--Vice President-elect Pence is a young earth creationist, and I assume that that is exactly the kind of science that will Make America Great Again).

    Dinosaurs lacked the problem-solving skills and highly adaptive entrepreneurial abilities that only a fine legal education can provide. Thus, none of them survived a single lousy meteor, whereas upwards of 25% of Arizona Summit graduates passed the Arizona bar exam.

    The USA has 204 law schools. So not only is species survival assured, there will be million-dollar premiums galore. Eat your hearts out, you extinct, imaginary, sex-crazed Tyrannosauruses!