JD Advantage Beneficiary Whines About Hors D'oeuvres on Million Dollar Express

You can't make this shit up.

To my greedy law school:

No. Stop asking. I’m not going to give you any money. Ever. So you can stop sending those fundraising letters every few months, begging for more of my hard-earned cash.

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I’m blaming you because you lied to us. You reported employment statistics — even back in 2007, when things were decidedly rosier — that led prospective students to believe that a huge portion of your graduates walked out of your hallowed halls and right into lucrative associate positions at fancy law firms. The reality, as we now know, is that you were counting everyone with any kind of job at all — from the guy working just a few hours per week at the 7-Eleven to the girl who took your perennial temporary position in the student affairs office — as employed, for the purposes of bragging about postgraduation employment.

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I truly, deeply regret attending law school.

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Instead, that law degree on my résumé has held me back.  

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Going to law school has irreparably damaged my career.

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But worst of all is the debt. 

Ingrate.  No one held a gun to your head and told you to believe the excessive puffery pumped out by your prestigious law school.  No one made you enroll there instead of schools with equally excellent track records.  No one signed the loan papers for you.

Normally, I'm against blaming the victim, but there's no victim here.  This guy landed a business analyst job in one of the coolest cities in the United States.  He's living the dream.

On the million dollar express, there are first class accommodations, but everyone's headed straight for North Financial Orgasmville.  The dining car is open from 5:30 to 8:00.  Try the salmon.  Bar is in the front of the train; AA meetings in the rear.  Enjoy the voyage.  When you disembark, there'll be a debt forgiveness voucher and a beautiful Japanese woman with a smile on her perfect face, and together you will laugh at these youthful grouses as she thanks you for your lifetime of service.  

The first thing you will do is wire a donation to your law school to sponsor a vital legal scholarship initiative.  With the wisdom of age, you will comprehend the magnitude of law's gifts and devote the rest of your days to signing up others for the journey, bitterly regretting that a temporary global financial catastrophe slightly set back the obvious bounty of a legal education in the United States....