The Two Handsome Faces of Dean Satan

In the wake of the U.S. News Rankings, LSTC friend and valued contributor Dean Satan has submitted the following two letters.

LETTER ONE - TO USE IF LAW SCHOOL RISES IN US NEWS RANKINGS


Dear Esteemed Members of the Hell School of Law Community:

Today, I beam with pride, for the chicks have come home to roost in the best way imaginable; indeed, the administrative gamecock has never been more satisfied.

This morning, I received a fresh copy of the U.S. News Rankings.  As many of you know, U.S. News is one of the most celebrated and often-awarded publications in American journalism.  Every March, it tasks its team of well-credentialed experts with a thorough, objective, honest examination of American law schools.

It pleases me greatly that Hell School of Law has yet again risen in the U.S. News Rankings!  This marks a considerable step in my tenure as dean, a shine of my shoes, a manicure of the silky red hands, another sharpened prong on my gilded pitchfork.

The causes of our steady yet precipitous rise are numerous.  This past year, we opened the nation's first legal aid clinic devoted to issues of transnational African law.  We founded our third Institute of Peace, Liberty, and Social Justice, which will allow new titles to be given to lucky faculty members.  We also instituted our Semester in the Seychelles program, where five noble faculty members travel overseas to teach contract law.

Of most primary importance to our rise, though, is YOU.  Students, your entering LSAT scores did not decline nearly as much as our rival schools, and ore of you total suckers accepted our juicy, mouth-watering scholarships than ever before.  Of course, such results arise from my awe-inspiring efforts to scam you loan-monkeys, but today I give credit to YOU.

And to YOU, my trusted faculty, you continued to publish inconsequential garbage at impressive rates.  I particularly applaud the senseless genocide of trees we propagated to print another year of exemplary work in our tertiary environmental law journal.  A special nod must also go to Professor Beelzebub, who blew off students for twenty-three consecutive days in order to generate his article about the inarguable post-graduate value of a juris doctor degree.  I encourage our faculty to continue to deepen their probing engagement of our student's bodies, I mean body.

Let us all continue to play our instrumental instruments in the glorious orchestra of our discordant scam, and I have faith that the experts at U.S. News will continue to reward our efforts.

Yours,

D.S.

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LETTER TWO:  TO USE IF NEIL ARMSTRONG AND BUZZ ALDRIN ARE STRANDED ON MOON SCHOOL DROPS IN U.S. NEWS RANKINGS

Dear friends:

I was shocked, but not surprised, to review the latest U.S. News Rankings.  As many of you know, many law schools overemphasize the importance of the U.S. News Rankings by finding excuses to spend money and play "games" with law student admissions, the type of thing that would besmirch Hell.

As I am sure you have heard, Hell Law School dropped [x] places in the most recent rankings.  I write today to explain why there is little need for concern.  I believe, for one, that our drop shows the problems with the rankings, and not any issues with Hell Law School.

Consider all that we have done recently under my principled leadership.  This past year, we opened the nation's first legal aid clinic devoted to issues of transnational African law.  We founded our third Institute of Peace, Liberty, and Social Justice, which will allow new titles to be given to lucky faculty members.  We also instituted our Semester in the Seychelles program, where five noble faculty members travel to the south Pacific to teach contract law.

The quality of our student body has remained steadily excellent (as we know, the most recent bar results have numerous problems too obvious to actually explain), and our trusted faculty have continued to publish inconsequential garbage at impressive rates.  I particularly applaud the senseless genocide of trees we propagated to print another year of exemplary work in our tertiary environmental law journal.  A special nod must also go to Professor Beelzebub, who blew off students for twenty-three consecutive days in order to generate his article about the inarguable post-graduate value of a juris doctor degree.  I encourage our faculty to continue to deepen their probing engagement of our student's bodies, I mean body.

Indeed, in reviewing the factors that led to our decline in U.S. News Ranking, the only one that significantly declined was our post-graduate employment results.  As you know, we have little control over what our graduates do after they leave our hallowed halls.  If they would choose to pursue the interests of justice by being under- or unemployed, that is their decision, and Hell Law School respects their choices.  Any of our students who have the drive and networking to land gainful employment in the legal sector can do so.

That U.S. News would insult us for something totally outside of our control despite everything else happening on the blazing hot Hell Law School campus only shows its obsolete irrelevance.  Law school deans should not rely on U.S. News as any sort of barometer for law school success, and I am proud to report that this law school dean does not.

All we can do is continue to excel at turning and burning another generation of satisfied law school consumers while squeezing out the happy juices for the law school's preeminent faculty.  I encourage you to continue to do so and give no heed to publications that, should they ever be ranked, would be squarely in the fifth tier.

Yours,

D.S.