Rural Areas Desperate for Attorneys: Why aren't you there?

If there's one thing we love to repeat, it's the idea that the oversupply of attorneys is a myth. What we love even more is when FACTS support the idea, such as this article in the Truth Mothership.

Here in Bennett County, which is situated between Indian reservations on the Nebraska border, Fredric Cozad is retiring after 64 years of property litigation, school board disputes, tax cases and homicides with no one to take his place. When he hung out his shingle he was one of half a dozen lawyers here. Now there is not a working attorney for 120 miles.

“A hospital will not last long with no doctors, and a courthouse and judicial system with no lawyers faces the same grim future,” South Dakota’s chief justice, David E. Gilbertson, said. “We face the very real possibility of whole sections of this state being without access to legal services.”

What "oversupply?" What the hell are you new graduates doing?!?!? This place has to import a state's attorney for goodness sakes!

Since you lazy shits apparently have no business sense, let me lay out a fool-proof business plan for you:

1. Take [rural state] bar exam.
2. Move to [rural county] and hang a shingle.
3. PROFIT!

Write that on the back of a receipt, take it to your preferred lending institution, and watch them give you a start-up loan of $50k immediately. The banker will probably trip over himself running to the cash room. You will rake in everything that happens in the county, PI, homicides (gangs be bangin' in the S.D.), DUI, divorces, you name it. Money money money, and you shits want to sit on your ass and whine because there's no job waiting for you in Malibu or Manhattan inside a buffet warming tray for when you pop in and say "job me job me job."

But wait, there's more! They're SO DESPERATE for attorneys, they're going to pay out $60,000 for lawyers to pack up and move there.

The new law, which will go into effect in June, requires a five-year commitment from the applicant and sets up a pilot program of up to 16 participants. They will receive an annual subsidy of $12,000, 90 percent of the cost of a year at the University of South Dakota Law School.

$60,000. And 5 years of practice experience. Guaranteed.

How can the same group of gullible people who bought into law school (a legitimately crazy proposition) collectively turn their silver noses up at moving to rural South Dakota (a partially crazy proposition)? 

I'll tell you: a disgusting elitist sense of entitlement and a distinct strain of anti-Heartlandism. Get over yourselves, law grads. South Dakota is ready and waiting to make you so richity rich that you won't care when the townfolk hate your guts for being the asshole flaunting a Mercedes. You would have to be an idiot to fail at business there. I mean, the last competitive member of the bar is 86-years old. Something tells me Grandpa would not be a dick in the deposition room, and you'll be doing a ton of those given your monopoly status. For the Mercer graduates, that means you can set your rates at ideal levels. $400/hour, anyone? They'll have to pay you if they want that divorce or that will drawn up.

So in sum, we have two insanely-idiotic decisions made by pretty much every law graduate everywhere: 1. going to law school; 2. declining the money factory and the mansion that go with it in rural South Dakota.