Thursday, February 4, 2016

ABA Answers Long-Debated Question, Would Accredit a Turkey Sandwich

For those who missed it, the Section on Legal Education and Admissions to the Bar of the American Bar Association ("ABA") - representing the American lawyer and loving every second of it - recently decided to give a positive recommendation for provisional approval to Indiana Tech Law School.

For those of you who hired lame accountants and have been doing hard time for fraud the last five years, here's a refresher:  Indiana Tech opened its doors to all comers less than three years ago, is located in Fort Wayne, has far fewer students than anticipated, has already had turnover in the dean's office, has a faculty that promoted the white collar academic version of Vanilla Ice to an associate deanship, and is changing legal education so radically that enrolling in Cooley still seems like a safer bet given that this shit school may not be around in a few years.

For any accreditation body that had a modicum of standards, accrediting this dead turkey would seem like a long-shot.  Thankfully, the ABA understands the need to be inclusive in a field rife with elitism, such as the idea that a law school should be functional and seriously benefit students.

To use a metaphor, the confident young woman of pious virtue would simply scoff at the greasy drunken slob at the end of the bar who just suggested spontaneous bathroom coitus.  There's a minimum bar to even having the negotiation, and that disgusting and hairy dude's not even close.

But the ABA is not a confident young woman of stuck-up pious virtue who sets arbitrary bars of availability based on traditional heuristics like attractiveness or health.  No - the ABA is the kind-hearted, yet tough as nails, sex-addicted slut, who sees disgusting Indiana Tech feebly sitting in that port-side attraction, lonely day after lonely day, showering himself only with slurred philosophy and brushing his teeth only with suds.  The ABA's one of the sporty gals who welcomes every able-bodied seaman into Manilla or Havana.  With a wink and some routine procedure, she inducts them into that fraternity of one-time sailors who've spent a shore leave in that comforting port-of-call.  To that honeyed whore, the ABA, the thought of revolting Indiana Tech isn't so much a turn-off as it is an opportunity.  Indeed, this young sailor is special; he might grow into a strong and vibrant man of the community, enrolling hundreds of students and being a beacon of light to all who could see.  Indeed, it would be undue discrimination for her, the ABA, to deny the application.  But more importantly, it's just what the ABA does.  Some women make careers; some women make house; the ABA is the seasoned whore who sees nobility and prestige in fornicating with a cross around her neck.

And so, even as the bartender starts chuckling and whispers "are ya sure?" she taps him on the shoulder and smiles, consummation of a beautiful relationship about to blossom over an unkempt toilet five feet from a broken condom machine that wouldn't have saved either of them from the other's filth had they bothered in their horny euphoria to drop a damned quarter...

But I digress...

There's an old saying about grand juries that they would indict a ham sandwich, or a hamburger, or whatever other sandwich is capable of vaguely obstructing justice.

One could have seriously debated whether the ABA would likewise accredit a foodstuff, and I think after seeing that the sub-committee is recommending Indiana Tech, we have our answer.

The ABA would accredit a turkey sandwich.

And who could blame it?  Turkey sandwiches are diverse and nutritious.  While distinctly American, the turkey is an excellent compromise and does not violate any major religious beliefs the way beef or pork would.  It's name lends itself easily to study abroad programs in Istanbul.

If you spend three years learning law from a turkey sandwich, I would guess that your odds of finding gainful legal employment would be as good as they would be from any number of presently accredited schools.  And also, let's not forget the unquestionable statistic that people who eat turkey for three years invariably have a million dollar lifetime premium over people with other lunch options regardless of when they started eating turkey or what brand of turkey they ate.

Now that I think about it, it's frankly ridiculous that the ABA is still stringently requiring that accredited schools even actually be a brick and mortar enterprise when there are all sorts of things that could provide equal positive benefits to students without all the bells and whistles.  For example, a turkey sandwich would cost far less than a traditional legal education.  I'm sure that I personally could run a law school that was basically a turkey sandwich for no more than $150k a head.

All you fools who think this is a bad thing need to look at the bigger picture.  By accrediting a shithole like this, the ABA is effectively saying that objective proof doesn't matter if the ABA understands the value of your enterprise using the standard of "fuck it."  And by gum, if that doesn't encourage people to keep opening law schools to bestow million dollar careers, I don't know what will.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm serving as a special consultant to a gerbil coffee shop that wants to dabble in handing out LLMs...


  1. I am confused by your last sentence. Are you servicing a special consultant (details with pics please!) or serving as a special consulant (yawn)? Then you threw in the gerbil refernce, but why not? We are told that gerbils will go where the bravest of us fear to venture, and that of course is relevant to any discussion of Indiana Tech.

    1. Apologies for the typo. The responsible editor has been sacked.

    2. Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër? See the løveli lakes, the wøndërful telephøne system, and mäni interesting furry animals including the majestik møøse.

      A Møøse once bit my sister...

    3. That's nothing. A gerbil once, oh never mind.

  2. Oh yeah? Does the turkey sandwich have a fax machine available for student use? I think not. Accreditation DENIED.

  3. Wonderful! Funnier than an a barrel of Indiana Tech legal scholarship.

    1. On that subject, what happened to the Indiana Tech Law Review? That glorious compendium of legal scholarshit run by tomorrow's Global Leaders™ appears to be stillborn, no more than a name on a list of extracurricular activities published before Indiana Tech fatefully opened its doors. How sad for the legal profession!

  4. Captain Hruska Carswell, Continuance KingFebruary 5, 2016 at 6:49 PM

    Have you ever visited Indiana? Or spent any time traveling around it? I have. It is a dystopian flat wasteland of new jails, Walmarts, diabetes clinics, CVS and an STD outbreak after the Governor forced the closure of the one Planned Parenthood. This Indiana Tech thing is breath of fresh intellectual air for a bleak, awful place. This place of higher learning will add prestige, like a vinyl roof on a Hyundai Excel

    1. More like bird shit on a vinyl roof on a Hyundai Excel.

  5. Captain Hruska Carswell, Continuance KingFebruary 7, 2016 at 7:08 AM

    I believe the ABA will now accredit the Erwin Rommel School of Law.