They Do It In Maine, Too

Check out the headline on this article from the Bangor Daily News:

UMaine law school grads to help fill the state’s growing need for lawyers

Already, we're golden. Growing need for lawyers? Where the **** are they getting this from? Really? Like really for real really? People are still trying to play this card?

Enter Dean Peter Pitegoff carrying the well-worn EPIC GENERATIONAL VACUUM:

There are about 3,700 lawyers living and practicing in Maine, with more than 1,000 over the age of 60, Peter Pitegoff, dean of Maine Law, said recently. In the state’s five most rural counties, more than half the attorneys are over 60, he said.

Over the age of 60?! Oh noes, they've only got 25 years of practice time left!

Reality check: rural lawyers don't practice by the county. They practice over numerous counties, sometimes 10, 20, 30, or even statewide. Attorneys in larger cities have no problem driving in order to litigate juicy cases. So the only thing most counties need is a judge, a prosecutor, a public defender (often imported from the next county) and 1-2 random people to do wills, probate litigation, real estate transactions, and the occasional messy divorce, and those attorneys often have to work over multiple counties to get the volume necessary to sustain a practice.

BUT BUT BUT THEY'RE ALL RETIRING. LOL - good one, Dean. Glad to see that despite living in the Nova Scotia of America, you've managed to find the Cooley Handbook.

Even if this were true (it's not), getting young blood to replace old is mere replacement. In no way does it express growth of any kind. So getting the journalist to claim there's a "growing need for lawyers" is scam-diddly-tastic.

And then there's this chicanery:

The Maine Department of Labor projected that there would be a total of 74 openings for lawyers each year between 2010 and 2020. Of those, 54 would be replacement openings and 20 would be new positions. The average hourly wage in 2011 was listed at $49.04 compared to the national hourly wage of $54.21 per hour. The figures do not include self-employed attorneys.

This year, there are 97 graduates — 45 men and 52 women — of the UMaine School of Law seeking those 74 openings. Fifty-eight of them are from Maine and 39 from out of state.

See, law schools themselves can't fudge numbers anymore, so we have to get creative with the slicksterism and have journalists do it for them.

What's this slight of hand ignoring?

How about the ~80 people who pass the Maine bar exam who didn't go to Maine?

It's not 97 Maine grads for 74 openings, it's 170 new attorneys for 74 positions. And, uh, that median wage is a good $20/hr higher than the EMS numbers.

And all signs suggest that the surplus in Maine is actually growing rather than shrinking.

But to the Bangor Daily News and Dean Pitegoff they've got to keep pumping out grads to meet the state's "growing" need for attorneys.

It's probably a good time to mention that Dean Pitegoff is the highest paid state employee in Maine, raking in almost 300k in 2012. (See p. 8, which also notes that six-figure earners in the Maine system have expanded by 200% since 2003...GOOOOOO MAINE!).

Happy weekend, fellow scammers. I'm off to hit the bar and then pitch for law school at a local high school graduation. The fliers say "MODELS AND BOTTLES." Little do they know it's Model Ts and bottles of Aspirin. Suckerzzz.

Arizona Golden Scammers and Turncoats

Here is an interesting little article on the Arizona law school market by something called "KJZZ" (do I get to pick my own vowel?!).

Here's some good spin about Phoenix School of Law:

“Our school is actually building quite a reputation for itself, and that actually encouraged me to stay here, when some attorneys told me that they were no longer hiring ASU students, because they weren’t as practice-ready as people that went to Phoenix School of Law,” [one student] said.

The school’s Assistant Dean of Professional Development Joe Perez said they are honest with students about the tough market they are heading into after graduation.

“The biggest thing is preparing them, if there’s two people interested for one position, to be the better of the two," Perez said. "I mean, really, in its most simplistic form. From day one, we’re very up front with our students.”

Gold Stars for ScamLogic! Because a 2-for-1 oversupply nationwide obviously means your graduates face a 2-to-1 oversupply for each individual position. Bonus points for saying this right after saying you're honest about the tough market.

In reality, Phoenix School of Law graduates are fucked. A whopping 10 graduates in 2012 found confirmed full-time employment in firms of 11 attorneys in more. Meanwhile, the school audaciously claims that 21 graduates found full-time jobs in "business and industry" and that every single one of these jobs was bar required, JD preferred, or professional. Only one graduate found a state or local clerkship, but 29 found their way into public interest or government at the bar required, JD preferred, or professional level.

If you believe these numbers in their entirety, I've got a law degree to sell you.

Of course, not everyone in the legal education industry understands the awesomeness of Mr. Perez and the fine, honest institution he represents.

“You change motivations if your goal is to prove to your shareholders and to your investors that you are a good business model," [ASU Dean Doug] Sylvester said. "I think that just gives you motivations and decision-making authority that is just different than what’s best for students and what’s best for your graduates.”

Boo hiss boo hiss!

I know you want Arizona all to yourselves, but we're all in this together.

“Applications to law schools have declined just shy of 40 percent cumulatively in the last three years. That’s not a decline, that’s a crash,” said Marc Miller, interim dean of the University of Arizona’s Rogers College of Law. He said in past recessions, people have invested in themselves by going back to school.

“That’s not what we or other law schools have seen in the most recent downturn," Miller said. "I think the changes we’ve seen in legal practice are not cyclical, they’re not a reflection just of the economic downturn. They’re actually structural.”

BOO HISS BOO HISS! Scorn. Death rays. Evil eyes.

Coming to a Scam Near You: Grade Inflation and Law & Technology

1. Grade Inflation Makes My Pants Inflate

Arkansas Little Rock professor Joshua Silverstein wants law schools to eradicate the C because it makes the lemmings feel inadequate after years of conditioning by, well, high school and undergraduate grade inflation. And he got the prestigious U. of San Francisco Law Review to publish this in a lengthy article (83 pages in PDF form...). This scam is like an onion from heaven: so many layers, each bursting with new breath-befouling behavior.

Two questions:

1. Which will be cited first in a real-life court, this piece of cutting edge legal scholarship or the latest snot shot from Maestro d'Nietzsche?

2. Is anyone actually going to read to page 62 so they can catch lemming-insulting gems like this:

Most of our students are not adults; they are adolescents. A majority of those who enroll in law school are between the ages of twenty-one and twenty-four. And it is now well accepted that adolescence continues into the mid-twenties.

?

Of course, the real reason why Our Lovable Scammers would want to inflate 1L grades is only briefly brushed, an insignificant aside trapped in the middle of the daunting paper (p. 40-41):

A former Assistant Dean for Student Affairs at my institution had similar experiences. He explained that, during his tenure, numerous C+ students came to his office in such a dejected state after the release of first semester grades that they were ready to withdraw from school.
...
Disappointing marks can therefore have a profoundly negative psychological impact. And research indicates that when students receive such marks, they are more likely to withdraw than to work harder to improve their performance.

And there you have it!

The words "drop out," "withdraw," "leave law school," etc. rarely appear in the article, but in the end, that's the schools' number one motivation for inflating grades. Silverstein surely knows this. Heck, the college scam in general has been doing it for decades to keep kids from transferring out. 1L Cs = 2l lost income. Yes, Maud, it's that simple. Give everyone a B+ and everyone still thinks they're employable, so they'll put more chips on the table. Delicious, delicious student loan chips.

83 pages and the words "tuition" and "revenue" don't appear anywhere. Try to figure that one out, mmkay?

2. Law & Technology? How Novel!

Northern Kentucky (yes, Maud, there's a law school there) is receiving (cue Dr. Evil voice) one million dollars to "fund a new honors program to develop 'renaissance lawyers for the information age."

Renaissance lawyers?! Coming to a law firm near year: Albrecht Durer, Esquire...

Law schools have had these centers and programs pop up like cash-spewing zits in recent years. It's really one of the most underrated trends in law school scamming. Law schools with some "unique" program that combines some grouping of technology, law, and business are a dime a dozen and yet the donations keep pouring in for these scamtastic things, which allows the law school to pay certain affiliated faculty members more, which OBVIOUSLY has its advantages.

Remember, friends, the best law schools don't just scam the newbies. There's a whole big bucket o' cash out there from people who want to slap their name on some useless center instead of, like, working to cure cancer or keep a legal aid running.

Graduation Scammin': Penn Invites Chris Dodd

We now continue this popular series with the U. of Pennsylvania, mostly a stranger to these parts, who scored a major victory with former Senator Chris Dodd, who spoke at its law school's commencement ceremony yesterday.

No, Dodd didn't shill for law schools or blah blah blah about feeling washed in the holy waters of lawyer baptism.

No, Chris Dodd, now MPAA Chairman, decided it was a good time to shill for his own industry.

“In order to continue providing the world’s greatest content, we must protect the rights of our creators and makers so they can not only profit from their innovations, but will be further inclined to create more,” he added.

Pointing to Kathryn Bigelow’s film, Dodd described "The Hurt Locker" as an artistic triumph, but “a financial disaster.”

If only The Hurt Locker producers had gone to Temple! No financial disasters there! For reference,The Hurt Locker grossed $49 million worldwide against a $10-15 million dollar budget, which in crude Hollywood studio accounting terms means it made an expected profit of somewhere around $20 million regardless of how the ace accountants cooked the books. The Hurt Locker was also a terribly marketed movie, an indie/arthouse war film that opened during the middle of summer blockbuster season. They used limited release and never put the film in more that a few hundred theaters (in contrast, a normal major studio film reaches 2500+).

Dodd now wants to claim that it was PIRACY (ARGH!) that lead to the low numbers, with "literally millions of pirated copies...being unlawfully sold on street corners or streamed illegally across the Internet." LOL. Millions of bogus DVDs for an unheard-of art house movie during the middle of a summer where people paid millions upon millions of dollars to see Up, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Ice Age, Transformers, GI Joe, Inglorious Bastards, Final Destination, etc.? From the group of people least likely to buy DVDs or pirate must-see movies? (Highest PirateBay seed count for Hurt Locker: 374. Highest for Star Trek: 1800+.)

Dodd says the film "was first released in the U.K., where it was well received." This is also dogshit.The film was released in the UK in August 2009, where it played for two weeks. It was on the festival circuit and may have opened in Italy first, but the Italian run was lukewarm at best.

I'm in awe of this silver-haired ass actually trying to pull this off. Blatant lies to a group of SUPERSMART T-14 law graduates? Industry whoredom? Is he that much of an arrogant shyster or does he honestly believe this crap?

Dodd said the graduates were entering the work force during “what I believe will be a new gilded age of creativity and innovation,” with the variety, quality and platforms for creative content growing every day.

Emphasis added so Mark Twain doesn't have to read through the rest of this muck when I pull out the Ouija board and summon his bitter spirit.

This guy is clearly a doofus or a purposeful scammer who proudly served in the US Senate and now shills for Big Hollywood.

And of course none of this has anything to do with law school, the legal profession, what the graduates have accomplished, or where they are going.

Because ultimately, that's the scam tie-in. These kids at Penn paid $100,000+ in tuition and worked hard for three years. Most of them will go to remunerative careers, but graduation still means something. Instead of ensuring that the commencement speaker actually had a great speech, no one at Penn could apparently be bothered about checking over Chris Dodd's speech in its entirety. No one bothered to fact check to preserve University integrity. No one bothered to pull Dodd aside and tell him that a commencement speech is not a good time to spout industry propaganda.

I realize there were other, more traditional elements to this particular commencement speech, but Dodd's decision to shill, and the U. of Penn's decision to allow it, are boldly condescending and apathetic towards the paid audience in ways I thought only lower-tiered schools excelled. Places like Hofstra and Wayne State only wish they could aspire to such lofty heights, to invite prestigious names and slip advertising in the middle of a commencement speech without hearing laughter or serious backlash.

Serious problems with the legal industry? Naw, fuck that. I'm going to tell you about made-up problems with the film industry! OOOOOOHHHHH Boogeyman noise. Piracy kills babies but the lack of funding for public programs and the unauthorized practice of law is...shrug?

Scam on.

Graduation Scammin': South Dakota Edition

One of the best ideas law schools have concerning the "exit process" is to have a ceremony where the most prestigious people they can pull in tell the crowd of students and parents how awesome the law is and why their kids are destined for greatness. Think of it as a cherry on top of the sundae of deception and lies that have built legal education.

Usually, these speakers are so prestigious and self-absorbed, they have no idea what's going on in the real world. Such honest belief is essential in conning people. Get a dean up there and he might slip up and mention something unbecoming or snicker as he "pulls a Valvoline." But for the winners of the burning soapbox derby known as the legal profession, they can keep the story straight because they have blinded themselves from the reality of the peons.

And so here's South Dakota AG Marty Jackley (yes, that's a real name) at the U. of South Dakota's commencement:

Some of you are probably sitting here wondering, ‘Do I want to practice law?’ and in the next few months you’re going to have to make that decision.

Ah, yes, a voluntary choice! A decision like LeBron's or Wiggins! (naturally, I'm a UK fan)

I will tell you from experience – and you really have to experience it – the law is one of the most gratifying and satisfying things you will do,” he said.

One time, I had mind-blowing sex with a skilled lingerie model in a Parisian hotel with Birth of the Cool on the turntable. Later, when the Japanese servant girl was massaging my ripped shoulders as we all shared a chilled bottle of Château Cheval Blanc and ate chocolates from Michel Chaudun, I looked up and said, "You know what?! Practicing law in America is much more gratifying and satisfying than this."

You will be amazed at how often you will depend upon each other. I look back on my class, and I would never have been partner in a law firm but for the clients my classmates sent me...

To translate this out of graduation-speak, a former federal district court clerk who was later appointed U.S. Attorney and won a statewide election for attorney general at age 40 says he never would have made partner at a firm in Rapid City, SD, without nepotism from the people who mostly had shittier jobs than him. Either he's lying or the median-level schmucks who look like barn animals have no prayer.

The practice of law is draining, and it takes a considerable amount of effort and time,” he said. “It’s not uncommon for lawyers to suffer from alcoholism, substance abuse, aggressive behavior, sometimes suicide. We have high divorce rates. But I would suggest to you, stay grounded, and keep things in perspective.

Ah, closing argument 101: mention the bad stuff 3/4 of the way through after no one is paying attention anymore. At least he offered them solutions, like "having a family" (hey, can't get divorced unless you marry the ho first!).

If you’re going to practice law, you’ll have tough days, tough problems. But if you keep the right attitude, you’ll be a successful lawyer.

Boom! The guarantee that's not really a guarantee at all. I LOVE those. Attitude is everything everything everything (except when it's not, which is 95% of the time).

South Dakota is clearly better off than a lot of places. A 152 LSAT gives you a fairly good chance of employment, and they've kept class sizes reasonably low to meet the low demand in state.

But the idea that in 2013, in this marketplace, that anyone will be a successful lawyer if they just keep the right attitude or make friends or that there's a serious level of choice involved with practicing law for most graduates is so utterly ridiculous that it only come from the lips of a silver-tongued dean or a clueless winner of a pie-eating contest.

South Dakota brought in its state's top lawyer and he delivered with a level of out-of-touch, meaningless graduation speech that surely smoothed over the unemployed's jaded edges and made everyone forget what a colossal mistake law school was until after the bar exam.

Way to go, South Dakota! You're far from a true-blue scammer, but at least you can do some of the basics right.

Oh, The Places Lemmings Can Go: Drive-Thru Law Practice

Man works as prosecutor for seven years and then decides to hang a shingle doing criminal defense.Man looks for office space and buys (yes, buys, not rents)... a bank.

Look at the creativity that will get this man an adjunct position at St. Louis U. if he didn't already have one:

"We put the book shelves in above the above the teller counter. There's actually a drive through, and my plan is when I'm in court, I can have a support staff person here who will be able to talk to somebody behind the glass and set up an appointment. If there is an existing appointment, we'll have them come right in, but customers can drive through when I'm in court to make an appointment or receive a payment or give them an update on their case through the glass. If I'm here, they can come in and talk to me. We've converted the former ATM room to a drop box. We'll actually have it for traffic tickets that people can drop, or an application or request for retainer. Then, I can come in and call them and get started right away. So they can use the drop box 24-seven. We have a safe. Sometimes there's evidence that has to be locked up. I worked at a state's attorney's office where we had a safe, so I'm used to having a safe."

Ah, metro east St. Louis: drive by shootings AND drive by criminal defending. If there's one thing the thugs of East St. Louis need, it's to shout about their sexual assault case into a static-heavy mic. If only someone would come up with some sort of portable communication device that could allow people to set appointments more conveniently; until then, he's got the market for convenience covered. Clients will no doubt take you seriously running a law practice out of an abandoned bank.

Keep turning 'em out, law schools, and eventually we'l see even more market-changing innovations, like the law practice run out of a retrofitted McDonalds with one of those playground wings, or a law practice run out of a former dentists office with the chairs retained to "keep clients relaxed" or a law practice run out of a former bordello with a madam who answers the door for only the most exclusive and discreet gentlemen clients.

Remember, kids, this is a clear-cut winner of the game with three years remaining on the accelerated standard payment plan terms. Now he's starting a small business in one of the most competitive areas of private practice and he's doing it with a funky building concept more befitting of a fly-by-night operation.

What's the over/under on the number of days before bored cops on patrol roll through and try to order a cheeseburger and Coke?

Graduation Scammin': Ave Maria Edition

Look at all the deliriously-happy people celebrating at the recent graduation for Ave Maria Law School, preferred law school of certain catholic saints and cheap pizza barons.

The dream continues, friends:

“I hope you have a better idea of who made you and why he made you,” [School/Dominoes Founder] Monaghan said. “For you mothers, ... you’re getting a special Mother’s Day, frankly.”

Oh, yes, happy mother's day: either you spent a ridiculous amount of money on one of America's most worthless law degrees, or your beloved snowflake is going to be on the hook for a loooooonnnnng time.

According to LST, Ave Maria has the worst employment score in Florida at a pathetic 33.7% and a projected cost of over $200,000. GLORIA PATRI HIS NAME BE PRAISED!

These people should be pissed. I mean sign-carrying, wailing, tearing down the walls pissed.

Instead, it's a testament to Dean Milhizer and company that these people are pleased.

Perhaps the loudest applause of the day was for 25-year-old Mukeni Nadine Ntumba, who is from the Democratic Republic of Congo....

“I’m going to practice international business or international law,” Ntumba said while her family cheered and chanted “Africa” in the background.

You can't make this shit up, folks.

And the hits don't stop with Ntumba. To whom else did the M&M Boys sell their Domino's-quality degrees?

This year's class included a 20-year-old woman and a man in his seventies.
...
[The 20-year old] says she went straight from middle school to college.

She plans to volunteer with Ameri-Corps now.

That's JD Advantage, right? Right?

Way to Improve Legal Marketplace: Reality TV

Hey, you unemployed bums, here's a job opportunity guaranteed to lead to riches and Hollywood fame:

A major production company is looking for young, outgoing lawyers and recent law school grads for a possible TV project. 

Yes, friends, a reality show about all you smarmy little rich bastards. If there's one thing that will make the public sympathetic to the "plight" of law school graduates, it's reality television producers!

For the love of Christ, share this link with the biggest losers you know! We have to make this happen. The leading candidate right now is a lawyer from Tennessee who raps.

PAGING LAW SCHOOL CSOs: THIS IS WORTH A FLASH EMAIL TO THE LISTSERV OF 2012 BUMS.

And, uh, since they're looking for lawyers, the job is CLEARLY JD-Advantage.

I bet 92.4% of people who graduate from this show will be superstars.

News Roundup: Utah "Lies" and Ohio Northern Gets a Media Boost

1. It's Quite Easy Bein' Green (...as in MONEY)

The University of Utah Quinney School of Law is receiving $4.5 million in grant money from a Chicago-based environmental group to help pay for the school's brand new law school building that will resemble the nasty offspring of The Paper Chase and Bio-Dome because, uh, they need it?:

The grant is set to go toward elements like solar power, better insulation, rainwater collection and recycled materials. The idea is to guarantee a platinum LEED certification, a label denoting a high level of energy efficiency and regard for the environment.

Officials say the building would be the first law school center nationwide to get the certification.

Today's koan: is the last sentence a lie (like not true at all) or a "lie" (technically true, but bogus in spirit), and is there a difference?

Because no one who has eyes could forget the sheer LEED-platinum-striving beauty of Baltimore's new law school, which was planned way back in 2010. It's set to open in the fall, two years before Utah's.

And then there's California-accredited Monterey College of Law, which already won itself a Platinum medallion for one of its buildings.

And of course NYU's Wilf Hall already received the platinum designation for putting a forest on the roof.

I have to commend whatever "officials" (shame on keeping greatness anonymous!) bluffed the shitrag and told them it would be the first "law school center" (what does that even mean?) to achieve the platinum designation. Double bonus points for no one googling anything.

It's technically true that no current ABA-accredited law school has held classes entirely in a single building with platinum certification. And as we've seen from the employment statistics, it's the technical truth that matters. CASE DISMISSED. Just give them the check and shut up.

2. Who Needs Brochures When You've Got the Lima Media?
Check out this editorial some shill at Ohio Northern probably got the editor of The Lima News to write:

It is one of the smallest law schools in the Midwest, but consistently sees a high rate of graduates passing the bar exam on the first try.

Congratulations are in order to the most recent graduating class which saw 100 percent of December law graduates pass Ohio’s February 2013 bar examination on their first attempt.

If you actually look at the PDF, ONU had six (6) first-time takers. For real, this shitrag just published an editorial praising a law school for six people passing the bar. You just can't get this pub in other industries, folks. Notre Dame also went 6 for 6, and numerous schools had 100 percent: Duquesne, West Virginia, Michigan State, Cooley (Ha - J/K - they went 5/14), etc. Florida Coastal having two second-time takers pass is far more impressive than ONU getting six of its graduates to pass.

What's better than disproportional applause? Why, outright deception, of course!

What’s significant about the nine-month time frame is that it tends to favor top schools whose students often—in good times and bad—land jobs before graduation.

Ohio Northern University is among those top schools. Its College of Law opened its doors in 1885 and is the second oldest of Ohio’s nine law schools. It enrolls more than 285 students annually and has an enviable 12:1 student-to-faculty ratio. Most of all, it prides itself on not only educating students, but also ensuring the development of practical skills, morals, and leadership needed to be successful in the practice of law.

I do not know what's in this editor's kool-aid, but papa wants a taste!

Okay, here's Ohio Northern's LST Report. 3.1% worked at large firms (100+), 0% fed clerkship, 59.4% employment score, 20.8% unemployed, 20.8% government.

And it's a top school favored by the employment statistics! Can you believe someone actually wrote that sentence as a segue into a brochure pitch?

Hey, Lima News, do you think you could write my dating profile?!

Time Magazine: No Lawyer Bubble

As we continue reviews of the reviews of Steven Harper's Lawyer Bubble, let's look at how Time Magazine reviews the book and see what pro-law school sentiments we can parse out of it. How can Adam Cohen unknowingly shill for us?

Ooh - that was easy:

The word bubble is an overstatement — it is hard to believe that the legal profession will end in the sort of high-speed implosion that subprime mortgages did.
...
The biggest problem with The Lawyer Bubble is not the warning it is sounding but its title; unlike tulips and other speculative bubbles in the past, lawyers will always be a necessity not a fad.

Ah, yes: the "they'll always be a need for lawyers" argument. You should NOT be talking about "bubbles" (Matt Leichter, you asshole!) because lawyers are necessary to a free and democratic society. France, Japan, Norway - they all have HORDES of lawyers, just like us. And lawyers are far more necessary and enduring than the last few frivolous items people used to create bubbles, like real estate and computer technology and uranium. Those are all more like tulips than law degrees.

Obviously, given that it's such a cemented necessity for legal work, it's an excellent time to buy the credentials to do legal work. It's decidedly NOT a "bubble," so it's not like there's a bad time to buy. Do it now, kids. You haven't seen deals this good since your Aunt Annie nabbed that Coral Gables condo back in '06 for her 401k.