Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Classes Begin: A Letter to the Class of 2020

Dear Class of 2020:

You're likely back at law school now.  You've begun a three-year suborgasm and a forty year super-orgasm.  In three years' time, most of you will be starting jobs as BigLaw lawyers, federal prosecutors, or judicial clerks.

At the same time, you're already behind, if only by a hair.

Look at this SuperLawyer in the making!
Now [Aaron Parnas] is entering George Washington University Law School at age 18, with hopes of one day becoming president.

Parnas told that he has wanted to go into law school since he was about 10 or 11 years old, though he didn’t know what kind of law he wanted to practice. He volunteered in Donald Trump’s election campaign, and the election spurred his interest in a political career. “I felt like law school was the perfect stepping stone to that goal,” he said.
Yeah, remember when Donald Trump graduated from college at 18, snapped his fingers, and headed to law school inspired by the example of... JFK, I suppose?

It'll be just like that.

I don't bring up our li'l' Doogie Howser here to discourage you all, but you should probably get used to the fact that law school (and lawyering, and life) is a massive pyramid scheme competition and if you don't know where you're at on the pyramid, you're a bottom bitch slave.

The Good News is that even lawyer slaves make it rich and happy.  Law school, with its focus on appellate law and reading cases from the 1920s, doesn't really prepare you for the euphoria of satisfaction with leaving work at 7:30 on a Friday after billing 60 hours in a week.  But trust me, it's real, and way better than the stressful torpor these sadistic professors put you through.

Given how little law school matters in the grand scheme of things - we all buy our liquor from the same shelves, friends - you should really just enjoy yourselves.  Eurotravel, fine dining, Adderall, disgraceful self-pleasure - whatever your recreation of choice, just go nuts.  Borrow from Uncle Sam and pay it back it back later.

But remember a few ground rules:
Dean Nicholas Allard gave the final speech, confessing to the class that he might not understand their generation, but he urged them to take care of each other and “play well in the sandbox.”

Before concluding the ceremony, he offered them a piece of modern-day advice, to “stay woke.”
Have a good time, bros 'n' ironic hos.  When you're fully cooked and members of the bar barely standing, we'll see you in a good way.

P.S. - ProTip:  When in the sandbox, remember that it often gets in places you may not want.  


  1. Seeing that a law degree from about the bottom 120 law schools has about the same value as a cat's soiled litter box, his analogy makes sense.

  2. "My maturity level is higher than most." No, but your arrogance is, fucko. Old Guy has a broom too big for you to push.

    As for "stay woke", can someone kindly tell me what it is supposed to mean? Apparently one can become the dean of a toilet law school without being able to assemble two words into a grammatical utterance.

    1. Woke is now an adjective for those with a penchant for hip-hop social justice. "Aware" and "informed" are too formal and Caucasiany to play well with today's text-speak crusaders.

      Allard is basically the academic equivalent of the cool uncle.

    2. Oh, I see. All Lard is playing at being young, much as Dougie Fresh played at being Black.

  3. Dear Class of 2020:

    You're likely back at law school now. Pack your bags immediately. Get out. Now. Save yourself. Save your family. Run! Scat! Get! Vamoose!


    Every unbiased, rational person in America

    (w/apologies for double posting with TTR)

  4. I'm not a law school student or grad, but I'm really tired of this fucking shit. When you get down to it, pretty much ALL of higher education is overpriced shit. In four years I will have two kids in college and will likely fork out well over $150K for each so they can...take their rightful places in soul-sucking jobs sitting in cubicles in front of computer screens with telephone headsets on, asking customers if they want to "upgrade" something for an additional $49.

    So, law school is just the tip of the massive Texas-sized iceberg that is the higher education SCAM. College tuition has increased exponentially in the past 20 years while the quality of the output has diminished. While students and their families leverage their future to pay for worthless degrees, universities keep hiring administrators and retaining faculty members who spend their days spewing ideology instead of actually teaching useful concepts.

    I have a friend from high school who is a professor in economics at a private university. Oh, he teaches a few classes and gets his grad-students to do the gruntwork for whatever he's working on to publish. But, despite his grueling schedule, he has plenty of time to run a property management business and provide expert testimony for plaintiffs' attorneys in personal injury lawsuits. So he gets an income and benefits that are paid for by the university's students and laughs all the way to the bank because he really spends most of his time on whatever he sees fit.

    The truth is, most of the available white-collar jobs now shouldn't require an expensive four-year university education. Four years of college to get a degree in "communications" or "marketing" or English Lit, so you can sell cars or work as a assistant manager at Best Buy? I live in a provincial city here in Texas where local leaders make a huge deal about "economic development" whenever they lure some firm into town that offers exciting opportunities schlepping packages, cutting up chickens, or waiting on tables. A few years back, they were so proud to bring in a big managed care firm because it offered "white collar" jobs for college grads. It was basically a big-ass call center with huge rooms full of cubicles where these lucky bastards could toil away, being monitored by supervisors and chided whenever they needed to go to the restroom.

    It's time for the mandatory four-year degree to be a thing of the past. It's time for a revolt against not only the law schools, but ALL of the academic-industrial complex!