So when I link to this letter by Infilaw President C. Peter Goplerud to the People of Charleston, it would be totally uncool and inappropriate for me to say it reads like passive-aggressive missive Hitler would have sent the bitchy residents of Vienna if they had made a fuss about the Anschluss in '38 about three days before the hypothetical Panzer division rolled in. I mean, totally uncouth.
C. Peter Goplerud isn't an emperor, of course. He's a law dean. Such comparison is therefore wholly stupid, rude, and inappropriate. Duh.
But let us celebrate the imperious text nonetheless! Goplerud starts by pointing out how fragile and precarious Charleston Law School's financial picture is. He then tells them all the fantastic things Infilaw had planned for Charleston with all the right buzzwords: "practice-oriented education", "expanded pro bono programs and externships", "focused recruitment of students of color" (that'll make li'l' Carolina blush!), etc.
But - BAM! - they ran into duplicitous hellions:
Unfortunately, our efforts to acquire the Law School ran into opposition based on arguments that we believed were either without basis in fact or clouded by bias against a business model that ironically is the same as that of the CSOL.Exactly. Charleston's original founders had the idea to make a profit pumping out unneeded lawyers. Infilaw's business model is to make bigger profits pumping out even more unneeded lawyers. That's called fabricated hypocrisy and President Goplerud isn't going to stand for it.
And Infilaw isn't standing for Charleston's educational cockteasing much longer:
There appear to be some in the Law School community who would rather see the school close than make the necessary changes to enable it to succeed in today’s challenging climate. Others may be resistant to change because they see InfiLaw as a deep pocket that will rescue the school under any circumstance. Any objective observer would recognize that we have been patient, but such patience is at its end as the school’s financial and operational situation deteriorates.Can you imagine it? A state like South Carolina operating with only one (1) law school? How would such a state function? How would it provide justice to the less fortunate? How would it flood the market with jurisprudential superheroes? How would law professors be approved for new luxury cars?
The alumni and school community need time to assess how much they value the CSOL, whether they still want a law school, and if so, in what manner they will come together to preserve it. If there is a financially viable plan for community support of the Law School, InfiLaw is willing and ready to listen, but under the current economic circumstances, we see very little chance for the school’s ongoing success as an independent entity in the future.
Maybe the Hitler-Austria analogy is a bad one aside from the inevitable Holocaust pearl-clutching.
Infilaw, really, seems more like an arrogant, self-absorbed piece of dogshit who proposed to a fat skanky single mother of four two years ago. Her parents and friends are all like, "ew, he smells and he beat the shit out of Phoenix and Charlotte." But now his patience is wearing thin, and he's lookin' at other bitches like Joni in Atlanta and TJ in San Diego...
I understand that your quest for a better suitor than me isn't working out too well. As you know, your skin is wrinkling and getting flabbier by the millisecond. Your hair looks like you stuck your fat fingers in an electric socket, but we know that didn't happen because they shut your power off three months ago. Your bastard children are taking massive distributions, depriving you of capital to withstand downturns in the economy. But I saw the promise, baby. I was poised to give you flowers and chocolate and the most glamorous doggystyle poundings in the trailer park. I've got a line of credit at Kay Jewelers for shit's sake. Unfortunately, my efforts to acquire your heart ran into opposition based on arguments that I believe are either without basis in fact or clouded by bias against a lifestyle that is remarkably similar to that of your ex-husband. You currently have significant outstanding debts. I co-signed on your used car loan and have continued to be your casual fuckbuddy and adviser during this time. If there is a financially viable plan for an alternative relationship, I am willing and ready to listen, but under the current economic circumstances, I see very little chance for your ongoing success as an independent entity. Be mine, baby. Now or never, be mine.
Take the deal, Charleston. You're not going to get anything better.
Gentlemen, this type of letter is 95% guaranteed to work on the sweetheart in your life within nine months or so.*
*I know I said guarantee, but it's not actually a guarantee.