Thursday, March 31, 2016

George Mason: Originalist Gangstas

Justice Scalia has been dead for a whopping forty-seven (47) days.  His death left a vacancy on the Supreme Court that may remain unfilled for some time.  But where there's a void, there's an opportunity, and George Mason, named for an early civil rights advocate who owned 3/5 a shit-ton of slaves, knows how to fill the gap with its hands extended:
The university announced Thursday that it has received $30 million in combined gifts to the George Mason Foundation to support the law school, the largest gift in the university’s history. The donations make possible three new scholarship programs. Twenty million dollars came from an anonymous donor, and $10 million came from the Charles Koch Foundation, which has given millions of dollars to colleges in the United States.
Leonard A. Leo, a member of the Federalist Society who was close with Scalia and his family, was approached by a donor who asked that the university name the law school in honor of the late justice, and offered a $20 million donation.
In one fell swoop, the school has made itself a center of legal conservatism and raked in $30 million - that's, like, 1,000 lemming-years of tuition.  It's not every day that an anonymous donor just shows up wanting to pay the lifetime premiums of twenty lawyers to name a school after someone else, but George Mason was there to answer the phone when said donor hit its number on the robo-dialer.

While it sort of feels like being the guy at the party nearest the girl who needs convenient rebound sex instanter, this major coup for the marketing department is certainly fitting.  Scalia, as is widely known, was a fan of the diversity loved by legal education:
“When we speak about diversity, that includes diversity of thought and exposing ourselves to a range of ideas and points of view,” Cabrera said in the university’s statement.
Scalia was so divisive in his lifetime that even immediately after his death, people were arguing fiercely about his legacy.
Too forced?  Consider the word choice used here:
“These gifts will create opportunities to attract and retain the best and brightest students...
in contrast with Scalia's infamous remark about his clerk hiring policies:
 “By and large, I’m going to be picking from the law schools that basically are the hardest to get into,” Scalia said. “They admit the best and the brightest, and they may not teach very well, but you can’t make a sow’s ear out of a silk purse. If they come in the best and the brightest, they’re probably going to leave the best and the brightest, O.K.?”
It doesn't take a dictionary from 1802 to know that's a direct reference.  George Mason is about to experience a renaissance of attracting top-quality students.  Sure,George Mason is currently attracting LSATs in the 156-162 range with GPAs hovering around an inflated 3.5.  Sure, the law schools employment score is only 55%.  Sure, George Mason has had one (1) Supreme Court clerk and Justice Scalia wouldn't have dared actually hiring one of these sow's ears for his chambers.

But it's a new day, and it couldn't have come soon enough.

While it took Justice Cardozo 38 years to get a law school named after him, it only took Scalia 47 days for someone to exploit his legacy for the beautiful, anonymous bag of cash.

That's progress, folks.  Hopefully, by the time our next great jurist passes on, the paperwork is in order to transfer the check the day-of.  Because even though the country is running with an even-numbered Supreme Court, that's no reason to not use it as a golden opportunity to pour more gold in the law school money tank.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Good News Excerpts from the Gospel of Scam


 Then the whole assembly rose and led it off to California state court.  And they began to accuse him, saying, “You're a scam!”
So the Court asked TJLS, “Are you a good law school?”
“You have said so,” TJLS replied.
Then the court announced to the his clerks, “I find no basis for a charge against this school.”
But they insisted, “It's a scam!”
On hearing this, Pilate asked if the school was accredited. When he learned that the school was under ABA jurisdiction, he sent him to the ABA, who has representatives all over the country ready to serve America's lawyers.
8 But the ABA representative was conned and/or drunk. 9 Replacing him was some nefarious lawyer who plied the school with many questions. 10 The lawyer was vehemently accusing the school. 11 Then a bunch of stupid bloggers and non-professorial alumni ridiculed and mocked TJLS. 12 That day the Court lost its damned mind and agreed with some of the bloggers.
13 The court reconvened, 14 and said to them, “This is ridiculous. 15 I am dismissing the class allegations. 16 Da fuq.”
18 But the statistics-ignored crowd shouted, “Scam!” 19
20 Wanting to release TJLS, the Court appealed to them again. 21 But they kept shouting, “Scam!”
22 For the third time he spoke to them: “Why? What crime has this school committed? I have found in it no grounds for the death penalty you seek. Therefore I will dismiss this stupid suit.”
23 But with loud shouts about the basic elements of fraud they insistently demanded that TJLS be crucified, and their shouts prevailed. 24 So the Court decided to grant their demand. 25 He released a murderer for no plot point other than to show how stupid it was, and surrendered TJLS to their will.


44 It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, 45 for the sun stopped shining. 46 TJLS called out with a loud voice, “please, stop this trial and dismiss these charges!"  But they continued the trial, each allegation and aspersion a spear in the side of TJLS.

47 The jury, wrought by emotion and seeing what had happened, praised TJLS and said, “Surely this was a righteous law school.” 48 When all the people who had gathered to witness this sight saw what took place, they beat their breasts and went away. 49 The jury was not impressed.



 On the fourth day of the week, very early in the afternoon, the jury came back. They found the metaphorical stone rolled away from the tomb of the beleaguered law school, 3 and they could not possibly continue such a trial and opted to acquit on all charges.  


36 The other ABA law schools were quite distraught , TJLS appeared on a conference call and said to them, “Peace be with you.”
37 They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. 38 It said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? 39 Look at my employment statistics!  They are legit!”
40 They looked and were astounded by the simultaneous accuracy and charlatanism. 41 And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, TJLS asked them, “Do you have more applicants?”  A bit of awkwardness ensued, but it was all good, because TJLS was truly an excellent school, and not at all like Trump University.  Not even remotely.  Eat a nut, scammers, this institution, contrary to your allegations of mortality, is flying to the heavens in a bath of white light and student loan dollars.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Scam Madness: 68 Alternative JD Advantage Jobs

That's right, friends, our most popular feature is back:  SCAM MADNESS!

This year, instead of having a scam-off of law schools that the LSTC half-asses and then fails to follow through on like an applicant who takes the LSAT without ejaculating that sweet, sweet tuition money, I'm listing out 64 jobs that a JD-advantaged person like Anna Alaburda can take without any issue.  Straight from the Dictionary of Occupational Titles!

Here's 68 to whet your JD appetite - and there's easily hundreds more!

1. 110.167-010 BAR EXAMINER (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: law examiner
2. 111.107-010 JUDGE (government ser.) alternate titles: justice
3. 111.107-014 MAGISTRATE (government ser.) alternate titles: justice-court judge; justice of the
4. 119.107-010 HEARING OFFICER (government ser.) alternate titles: appeals board referee; referee
5. 119.117-010 APPEALS REVIEWER, VETERAN (government ser.)
6. 119.167-010 ADJUDICATOR (government ser.)
7. 119.167-014 PATENT AGENT (profess. & kin.)
8. 119.167-018 TITLE SUPERVISOR (profess. & kin.)
9. 119.267-010 ABSTRACTOR (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: abstract clerk; abstract maker; abstract
10. 119.267-014 APPEALS REFEREE (government ser.)
11. 119.267-018 CONTRACT CLERK (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: contract consultant; contract
12. 119.267-022 LEGAL INVESTIGATOR (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: legal assistant
13. 119.267-026 PARALEGAL (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: law clerk; legal aid; legal assistant
14. 119.287-010 TITLE EXAMINER (profess. & kin.)
15. 119.367-010 ESCROW OFFICER (profess. & kin.)
16. 050.117-010 DIRECTOR, EMPLOYMENT RESEARCH AND PLANNING (government ser.)
17. 051.067-010 POLITICAL SCIENTIST (profess. & kin.)
18. 052.067-010 BIOGRAPHER (profess. & kin.)
19. 052.067-014 DIRECTOR, STATE-HISTORICAL SOCIETY (profess. & kin.)
20. 052.067-018 GENEALOGIST (profess. & kin.)
21. 052.167-010 DIRECTOR, RESEARCH (motion picture; radio-tv broad.)
22. 054.067-010 RESEARCH WORKER, SOCIAL WELFARE (profess. & kin.)
23. 054.067-014 SOCIOLOGIST (profess. & kin.)
24. 054.107-010 CLINICAL SOCIOLOGIST (profess. & kin.)
25. 059.167-010 INTELLIGENCE RESEARCH SPECIALIST (profess. & kin.)
26. 059.267-010 INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST (government ser.)
27. 059.267-014 INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST (military ser.)
28. 090.117-010 ACADEMIC DEAN (education) alternate titles: academic vice president; dean of
29. 090.167-018 DIRECTOR OF INSTITUTIONAL RESEARCH (education) alternate titles: administrative analyst;
30. 090.117-022 DIRECTOR, ATHLETIC (education)
31. 090.222-010 INSTRUCTOR, BUSINESS EDUCATION (education)
32. 090.227-010 FACULTY MEMBER, COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY (education)
33. 099.117-030 DIRECTOR, EDUCATION (museums)
34. 099.167-014 CONSULTANT, EDUCATION (education)
35. 099.227-010 CHILDREN'S TUTOR (domestic ser.)
36. 100.127-010 CHIEF LIBRARIAN, BRANCH OR DEPARTMENT (library) alternate titles: principal librarian;
37. 100.167-038 NEWS LIBRARIAN (library) alternate titles: news information resource manager; news
38. 102.017-010 CURATOR (museums)
39. 102.117-010 SUPERVISOR, HISTORIC SITES (government ser.)
40. 109.067-014 RESEARCH ASSOCIATE (museums)
41. 131.067-014 COPY WRITER (profess. & kin.)
42. 131.067-046 WRITER, PROSE, FICTION AND NONFICTION (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: writer
43. 131.087-014 READER (motion picture; radio-tv broad.) alternate titles: script reader; story analyst
44. 132.017-018 EDITOR, TECHNICAL AND SCIENTIFIC PUBLICATIONS (profess. & kin.) alternate titles:
45. 132.067-010 BUREAU CHIEF (print. & pub.)
46. 139.087-010 CROSSWORD-PUZZLE MAKER (print. & pub.)
47. 141.061-034 POLICE ARTIST (government ser.) alternate titles: forensic artist
48. 159.124-010 COUNSELOR, CAMP (amuse. & rec.)
49. 159.647-014 EXTRA (amuse. & rec.; motion picture; radio-tv broad.)
50. 160.162-010 ACCOUNTANT, TAX (profess. & kin.)
51. 160.167-054 AUDITOR (profess. & kin.)
52. 160.267-026 INVESTMENT ANALYST (financial; insurance) alternate titles: securities analyst;
53. 161.267-018 FORMS ANALYST (profess. & kin.)
54. 165.017-010 LOBBYIST (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: legislative advocate
55. 165.167-014 PUBLIC-RELATIONS REPRESENTATIVE (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: public-relations
56. 166.067-010 OCCUPATIONAL ANALYST (profess. & kin.)
57. 166.267-046 HUMAN RESOURCE ADVISOR (profess. & kin.)
58. 168.167-014 EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY REPRESENTATIVE (government ser.)
59. 168.267-062 INVESTIGATOR (government ser.)
60. 169.107-010 ARBITRATOR (profess. & kin.)
61. 169.167-010 ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT (any industry) alternate titles: administrative analyst;
62. 189.117-034 VICE PRESIDENT (any industry)
63. 191.117-022 CIRCUS AGENT (amuse. & rec.)
64. 199.207-010 DIANETIC COUNSELOR (profess. & kin.) alternate titles: dianeticist; scientologist;
65. 241.367-026 SKIP TRACER (clerical) alternate titles: debtor; tracer
66. 243.362-010 COURT CLERK (government ser.)
67. 243.367-010 MAIL CENSOR (government ser.)
68. 359.367-010 ESCORT (personal ser.) alternate titles: guide escort

Friday, March 11, 2016

Freeing Law Dean Libido from the Shackles of Liberalism

There's trouble in Cali.
University of California at Berkeley School of Law Dean Sujit Choudhry has resigned in the wake of a sexual harassment complaint, school officials announced Thursday.
Tyann Sorrell, a former executive assistant to Choudhry, claims that from September 2014 to March 2015, he sexually harassed her with kisses to the cheeks, bear hugs and repeatedly rubbing her shoulders and arms...
First of all, a law dean rubbing shoulders and kissing cheeks isn't sexual.  Everyone knows that when a law dean gets sexual, more than the shoulders get rubbed.  Somewhere there's a minor earthquake, a brief power outage, an unexplained blip on the radars of scientists.  All that core energy has to go's science.

In any event, did we learn nothing from Larry Mitchell saga?  For those who don't recall, or just don't want to remember because of the trauma, Larry Mitchell is the former Case Western dean who understood that law degrees were fucktastic and that a private law school education is the surefire way to make one live the high life.  Then some silk sheets and some pesky strict constructionists (constrictionists?) got in the way and the next thing we knew, legal education lost a valiant soldier and oddly creepy Youtube poetry had gained a poetaster.

Do we really want that to happen again?  Do we?  Haven't we let ideas of liberalism and equality and "safe" employment run so wild that we're now stultifying the greatness of the true alpha?

Law deans are a different species.  They have to be high energy to lasso in the lemmings, even at a school like Cal.  They're some of the most accomplished, dynamic people in the country.  If their bang-bang personality sometimes spills over into riding the underlings roughly or being touchy and/or feely with students, staff, or non-tenured faculty, so be it.  This isn't blaming the victim, but rather recognizing the standard occupational hazard of working in a white collar feedlot with a Machiavellian-by-necessity CEO.

Basically, don't go to law school if you don't want to get fucked.  #FreeLawDeanLibido

Monday, March 7, 2016

Founding Father Thomas Jefferson Enduring Hokey Show Trial

This morning, sophisticated consumer Anna Alaburda took her legal rampage against Thomas Jefferson - he of founding document drafting, he of our third president, he of the founder of the University of Virginia - by vicariously going after a law school in San Diego.  Alaburda's iconoclastic nonsense is an affront to American virtues, but in an age where millenials are voting for Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders in Mussolinian droves, a constitutional bonfire should surprise no one.

Of course, the preceding paragraph is total nonsense, but why tell the truth?  Lord knows the media isn't bothering.  See, for example, CBS News' write-up:
Anna Alaburda, who, 10 years after she graduated in the top tier of her class, still can't find a job as a lawyer.

The blame for that failure isn't hers, she maintains -- rather, the fault lies with her alma mater.
I mean, that's not true, but why bother with such technicalities as "reality"?  You think we live in a world of truth or something?  No way, 'ho say.  It's all about what makes people feel good when they pompously talk out their asses.  Law graduates were defrauded with misrepresentations?  Poppycock, education isn't the sort of thing can can lead to fraud, even when they expressly lie to induce direct financial benefit, my asshole says.

Speaking of talking out one's ass, check out this entirely unsourced statement slid in as easy as a glistening hot dog on a mustard-blasted bun:
Despite the cost, a law degree can more than make up for its cost, increasing earnings $30,000 to $60,000 annually over a bachelor's degree alone. 
Holy shit, does America kick ass or what?  You can just insert irrelevant, random, dubious facts in a national article.  Shit, let me try and make up shit.  Did you know that watching GI Joe cartoons can improve your blood pressure if you shout "cheese blintz!" every time Cobra Commander shows up?  Were you aware that owning a rotisserie oven and using it once a week reduces property taxes by 13% in non-Korean neighborhoods?  Did you know taking just one (1) aspirin a day can reduce your water bill by $3.00 a month and totally prevent gestational diabetes in full-term pregnancies?

Sure, these facts are all made up, but if you repeated them often enough, they would become as unassailable of truths as the estimable virtue of post-graduate education and the good faith of non-profit academics.

Notice how the author, straying even further from the subject matter at issue, takes Simkovic & McIntire's research on timing law school as fact?  Notice how they drop the BLS "median" of $115k with "above average" growth?  Notice how the negative facts after that, the ones actually relevant to the article, are presented as some sort of "view" from Paul Campos?

Wait, what we were talking about again?  Oh, right - Anna Alaburda's show trial against James Madison or something.
Should she prevail in her suit, law schools may finally have to provide more transparency into employment statistics...
Kids, this is game over.  This trial was won before the complaint was filed, before TJLS sent her an enrollment letter, and in fact before she was born.  The sterling reputation of all our Founding Fathers whose names wind up on things will remain intact and it's going to be "case dismissed" for Ms. Alaburda and her million dollar degree.

There is no fraud where American law schools are concerned, even when they expressly defraud their students.  Implicit immunity.  You won't find it in any American case, but the absence of existence in law does not imply an absence of truth.

You go to law school, you know you will profit.  If you don't, you knew better.  It's not the law schools' fault you chose to rely on information provided by the law schools for you to rely upon.

Your bad.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Law Schools Increasing Financial Literacy Among Dumber Students, Minorities

Note the comma in the title; minorities aren't always dumb students and dumb students ain't no minority.  Bah-dum, ca-ching.

From the ABA Journal:
The increased cost of attending law school falls most heavily on blacks, Hispanics and those with low LSAT scores, according to results from a 2015 survey of law students.
The debt disparities between groups were most intense in 2015. In 2006 the disparities were only marginal and in 2011 they began to emerge.  [pure coincidence, -ed.]
At first blush, some college sophomore might say hey, wait a minute, that seems directly counter to any sort of goal to bring racial balance and harmony to the Great Battle of Social Justice but thankfully most of those naive fuckers wind up graduating.  Most of them go on to being capitalists whose enlightenment elevates them about rudimentary ideas about things like "exploitation."  The fuck does that even mean?

The capitalist, on the other hand, understands the importance of financial literacy.  And what better way is there for poor, minority, and/or intellectual deficient students to learn the laws of finance and economics than to be saddled with six figures of debt that they try to pay back on meager drone wages?  It's easy being rich.  Trying to make $12/hr stretch to make ends meet with a monthly stipend going to some thumb-up-the-ass student loan servicer?  That's an education.  Once these students come out of that booby-trapped jungle in their mid/late-50s, they'll be ready to take the world by storm.

Law school critics always want legal education to be more hands-on.  Is there anything more hands-on than making someone a de facto indentured servant?  Picture them staying up late at night reading bankruptcy code and case law trying to escape their own Kafkan hell.  It's one thing to study how to do it, and another still to assist some client in a clinic setting where the stakes are only as high as one's emotional investment in giving a shit about others.  But to give them the debt is to throw them in the pool or to let go of the guided bicycle.  Drowning and crashing is histrionic hyperbole.  No, they're going to learn.

Law school: the institution that never stops teaching you how to deal with shit. 

And now for some financial literacy of another kind:  Prices are stable!  Never going to be lower!  Timing law school doesn't work, so act now!